Weekend Exposure 32

?: What are you tired of?

My answer can be found here.

(Better late than never!)

File Under "Parenting Lessons Learned"

"Where is your library book?" I asked impatiently.  If we didn't walk out the door in the next 2 minutes we would definitely miss the school bus.  

"I don't know! Ask Dad! He knows!"

"Dad is on his way to work already, and why would he have any idea where your book is?"

"He had it in his hand this morning. NO! Last night! He had it last night!"

"Get downstairs and get your shoes. I'll call dad."

...

"HURRY!"

And that is how I watched, in slow-motion, as my 5-year-old went tumbling down the stairs, ass-over-tea-kettle.  I flew down the stairs, calculated the likelihood that anything had been broken in the fall and - deeming it safe - scooped him up in my arms and carried him to the sofa.

I surveyed the fat lip and the stream of plump teardrops running over his rosy cheeks as he sobbed into my shirt.

"I'm so sorry, baby. Are you okay? That was scary, wasn't it? Does anything hurt?"

He continued to sniffle into the fabric of my pajamas while I stroked his hair.  Finally, with a deep sigh, he asked in a tiny, trembling voice.. "Mama? Are my teeth loose?"

I carefully checked each one, then reassured him that, no, his teeth were fine. Oh, and that little bit of blood? No, that was just from his lip where his tooth had caught it as his face hit the floor. (*shudder*)  His teeth were fine.

This brought on a fresh wave of sobs, which brought me fresh panic as I rechecked his body for some injury I had missed.  Was there a torn rotator? Maybe a cracked rib I had jostled as I hugged him?

"What is it, buddy?  Does something hurt? What's the matter??"

A hiccup.  Then, as he lifted his big, wet, brown, doe-eyes to mine, through trembling lips he whimpered...

"I really want a loose tooth!"

...

So, yeah. He's fine. The library book was summarily located and he and his brother were each deposited at their respective schools.

Me, on the other hand?  I think I need a vacation.

A Year Without Fear.

Dear Friends, Family, and Peoples of the Internets... Stay at Aum Mom is about to be forever changed. (Both the site and myself.)  And this is going to be big.  

Ready? * Deep Breath * Here goes...

On April 5 I will be 30 years old.  

In the last decade I have been through many transformations.  I have gone through the painful process of fleshing out who I am, what I believe, and where I want to be.  I have spent the last several years (and many dollars in therapy) identifying and acknowledging that I am, in many ways, controlled by my fears.  I inherited an oft-crippling anxiety from my mother, and a compulsive perfectionism from my father.  That's not a judgment on them, but rather an objective observation.

I have never given myself permission to fail.  If failure seemed a likely possibility, I have simply refused to try.  When I have tried, I have been dogged by the constant anxiety that I might make a mistake.  When I have made mistakes or failed at anything I have engaged in the most brutal mental self-flagellation imaginable.

Yes, on April 5 I will be 30 years old.  

For one entire year I am going to wake up every day and look at my life from a new perspective.  I am going to say "yes" to some things I would have said no to before, and I will say "no" to some things I would have agreed to in the past.

I am going to embrace new challenges, and I am not going to let myself quit out of fear of failure.  

I hereby declare this year my Year Without Fear.  In ways big and small, I am going to change my life.  I am going to change my self.  I am going to make an action out of my motto - "Live Life On Purpose".

So what does this all mean? (You and Big Daddy are asking the same question, believe me.)

To begin with, it doesn't mean anything too drastic.  I'm going to start with small things.  I'm going to maybe sometimes wear lipstick.  Did you know I don't really wear lipstick? I wear lip gloss in sheer shades, or lip balm.  Why? I suppose because I have always equated lipstick (especially bright lipstick) with confidence.  It always strikes me as a "look at me" sort of thing to do.  As if a nose ring and occasionally technicolor hair don't make the same statement.  See? I know that it's a silly thing.  It's a small thing.  But for me, it's a big thing.  It's something I have not allowed myself to do.  So I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to stop screening my phone calls, stop fearing the phone in general. I'm going to start wearing high heels again -- something I have stopped doing almost entirely since having babies. 

The idea is to start small, but to face every day with the attitude that I will not allow fear or anxiety to overrule reason in making any decision, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.

I'm also giving myself permission to screw this up from time to time.  Because I am human (rumors to the contrary have been greatly exaggerated) and because another of my great, irrational fears comes from the knee-jerk response of blaming myself for everything that goes wrong.  

So this year I'm going to be more forgiving of myself.  I'm going to work harder, be braver, and laugh louder.

To top off my adventure, next year -- just before my 31st Birthday -- I will participate in St. Baldrick's Day, 2010.  I'm going to attend an official event and shave my head to raise funds to help cure childhood cancers.  I've always wanted to wear cute hats, but always been too self-conscious to go for it.  It looks like I'm going to have my chance.  (When the time comes a few months down the road for me to start collecting sponsors, I will post the link.  Prepare to click and donate, peoples.  I'll post plenty of photos for you to see the fruits of your labor after the deed is done.)

They say it takes 30 days to establish a habit.  I'm thinking that 365 days will make this one stick.

I'm hoping you'll come along with me for the journey.

Weekend Exposure 31

?: ______________________

My answer can be found here.

Dude.

Yes, I said "Dude".  Let it go, I do that sometimes.  I can't help it; it's the healthy dose of California in my soul.  If you understood the Tao of Mitchell Goosen, you would get it.  Also, did you know Jack Black and Seth Green were also in that movie? Way before they were famous. Weird.

Rambling today, sorry.  It's just that the sun is shining and the air is clear and it smells really good.  Today would probably be a great day to get out in the front yard and start clearing brush for the spring.  But I'm thinking the alignment of the stars could be against it, since I just tried to pull some raisins out of the cupboard and found the cabinet shelf was unhinged.  And then when I tried to fix it, some lonely, misbegotten package of Fun Dip spilled off the shelf and fell all over me.  That stuff is messy.  I fixed the shelf though. Oh, and I do realize my grammar today is even worse than usual.  *shrug*  It's Wednesday.

But all in all I have spent this week in a flurry of anxiety and apprehension.  No, it's a good thing! Really!  See, I somehow stumbled into baking cakes as a hobby.  You know - making them ever cooler and more complicated for the boys' birthdays.  I love doing it; it's like art and sculpture and .. uh... cake! all in one.  So when a friend asked to hire me to do a cake for her daughter I was all "sure, why not?" And then it turned out really awesome and my husband and my friend were all "You should so do this as a business" and I was all "meh. I'm no good at business..." but then that one cake order turned into another order, and another one.. and maybe another.  And BAM! just like that, I'm in business.  

So now in addition to the etsy shop (which is doing better off line than on) I'm booking orders for unique and awesome cakes.  And the best part? Now all those hours of "Ace of Cakes" that I watch on the Food Network can totally be rationalized as research.  heh.

Spending Time Staring...

...at the cuteness.

He can put his feet in his mouth now.  And I am swooning over this. Because I can.

Like A Prairie Dog. Or Maybe Whack-A-Mole?

If you've been following the weekend exposure photos, you probably have a pretty good idea of how I've been feeling lately - even though I have been far and away from actually putting any of it into words.  So let me attempt to do that for you now.

Big Daddy T has a new job.  That's Good Thing one.  He's got a great job, he finally got a great management position (something he's been wanting for a long time now) and I can't tell you what a relief it is.  

Good Thing Two is that Tobin is officially potty-trained and, as of this morning, is attending preschool two mornings a week.  

Good Thing Three is that I am sitting here with my coffee, the baby is asleep, and I have a few moments of absolute solitude for the first time in a very long time.  I should be using this time to do something productive, and I intend to going forward, but for today I thought I should at least plug in for a few minutes.  You know, in case anyone thinks maybe I died or was abducted by aliens.  Or possibly that I drowned in the world's largest latte (which, hey, let's face it: Not a bad way to go!)

I've been doing my best lately to follow my mantra and Live Life On Purpose.  That has involved a lot less computer time (despite what my husband might think) and a lot more time doing things like switching to cloth diapers for Milo (gDiapers, I love you so much I might put you in my will!) and attempting to shake my self-ascribed title of "World's Worst Homemaker EVER."  This is a two-step process: Step One, stop calling myself that. Step Two, stop actually being that.  

Does this even make any sense? Probably no.  But I've been brain-bereft lately.  I'm learning to accept my limitations and stop worrying about making everyone else happy.  It's not an easy thing to do, but I find that crafting helps.  Did I mention I'm making tutu's now?  Yeah. I really need to get photos done and list a few more things on the Etsy site.  Things like superhero capes! And tutus! (I know I said tutus twice. They are Just. That. Awesome.)

So now that I've rambled on and on for quite some time, I'll cut to the chase for anyone still following along at home.  I'd like to say I will be posting more frequently (not to mention coherently) and perhaps with fewer parenthetical asides.  I'd LIKE to say that, but the truth is I will probably continue to post somewhat sporadically for the foreseeable future.  Life just keeps getting busier and if I think too much about it I stop actually living it; blogging with regularity requires a lot of the "thinking about it".  I'm turning over a new leaf of sorts, though it's hard to explain exactly when I'm still on the first cuppa the day.  

I've lost 10 pounds, I'm working on getting to bed by 10:30 and up by 6:30, and I have acquired a jogging stroller so I can start getting my body back.  There's a lot to say about ALL of this, but I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to say any of it right now.  See how this happens? Too much to say, not enough words. 

So I'm on a sort of hiatus this year.  I'm not gone, I'll be back now and again, but I think I need a reprieve.

Then again, I could change my mind tomorrow.  I'm funny that way.

Weekend Exposure 28

?: What fear have you recently faced?

My answer can be found here.