The Roof Is On Fire.

Hello, Internets. Have you missed me?  

I'd go into detail about where I've been, but that would involve a detailed description of the things I have been coughing up and nobody needs to read about that.

Between being sick, taking care of sick kids, and - you know - not sleeping (what with having a newborn in the house and all) we are trying to refinance the mortgage and going along with Toby's plans to slowly potty train himself.  Oh, and the mountain of laundry threatens to consume us all.  Remind me, please: in case of an avalanche, you're supposed to put your arms up over your head to make a hole so you can breathe, right?  I'm assuming that works as well with dirty sweat pants as with snow.

Which is to say "HALP! I am losing my mind! Please send a nanny, a case of mallomars, and a check for 1 million dollars!"

Yesterday was a really special day.  Allow me to share it with you.

The appraiser was due at 2pm to scope out the house and determine if we can refinance to a low, 30 year fixed rate.  The alternative would be sucking it up with the ARM adjusts next fall and waving bye-bye to any hopes of funding the kids' collective college educations.  So, yeah, we really need the house to appraise.

In front of our house sits a huge Bradford Pear tree. 

There are two things you should know.  First, Bradford Bears are notoriously weak trees. Builders love them because they grow fast and give the illusion that a new neighborhood has some foliage, but they are infamous for toppling in strong weather.  Second, our neighborhood and all of the streets in it are named for some variation of the word "Wind".  

You can see where this is going.

So yesterday I'm minding my own business, getting ready to run the steam cleaner over a few spots on the carpet to prepare for the appraiser (because every little bit helps, right...?) when the power goes out.  Since we only have a cordless phone I had to rely on my cell phone.  That's when I noticed the batteries were almost dead, and realized that this would probably be the day that Jack fell and re-broke his collar bone and of course the school wouldn't be able to reach me. (which didn't happen, but have I mentioned that the day he broke it to begin was the first time I had gone more than 10 minutes from home in months?  And I had to turn around and come back without even getting inside the kids museum we had driven almost an hour to get to? Yeah.)

So Toby, Milo and I trekked to our local MegaSuperCrazyMart to get me a car charger because, really? I don't already own one of those? But no, I didn't. So we got one.

We pulled back up to the house and I immediately thought "Hey! Where'd that huge hedge in the middle of my yard come from?"  And then I realized that it was actually one third of the tree.  I would have taken a photo of that sight for you, but by the time I got the car unloaded and got the kids in the house and got lunch started... well, here:

Yeah, see. Now 2 parts are down.

And that last part? It's pointed right at my living room.

So there was a dilemma, the solving of which involved me, my pregnant neighbor, a hacksaw, and reluctant assistance from my (skeptical, bordering on terrified) home appraiser (who arrived minuts after I did).  Also, as the last portion of tree began to fall its controlled fall and veered horrifically towards the house... well, let's just not say anything to my mother or my OB/GYN about me leaping into the air and swinging from a branch in order to lure the hunk of bludgeoning death to fall onto the driveway instead of my roof.

So now our front yard looks like this:

And a tree-removal guy is coming this afternoon to haul away the carnage.  

In addition to drastically reducing the curb appeal of the property, the loss of our tree means that we now have to be much more careful about ensuring the blinds are closed before parading around the house in various stages of undress.

Also the appraiser was sure the tree was coming down on either the house or my head and he was obviously terrified at the prospect of his involvement in this catastrophe.  The moment the tree was safely felled the man tore out of here like zombies were after him. (The slow-moving sort of zombies; ones which would require you to move quickly and efficiently but not so fast as to break into an outright run.)

So that's the short version of what has happened to me the past week. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go finish coughing up this lung.  Perhaps later I will post cute baby pictures to cheer us all up.