You wouldn't be the only one to notice.
My husband? He has noticed, too. And as I've been physically in the room with him, that I haven't been around much is kind of a big deal.
I don't feel terrible. I'm not moping or staring blankly at walls.
Not yet, anyway.
But after going 3 days before I remembered I hadn't had a shower, and looking blankly at my husband when I said "Wait, it's DECEMBER already?!!" because, honestly, I was at Thanksgiving and everything and it's not like I suffered "lost time" but I honestly couldn't tell you what I did the last month. Except watch lots of TV and keep 3 children alive. Oh, and install a floor, but that might have just been a manic episode. Or pathological home improvement. But I have spent the past 2 months getting from beginning of day to end without a hint of anticipation for the next. I'm going through the motions but, as my husband gently pointed out to me, I'm not really here. He also gave me a hand squeeze or two and reminded me that it's okay to need help, and that nobody expects me to make this all better on my own.
Which is to say, internets, that I made a phone call today. I have an appointment Thursday morning. I'll be shaking hands with my old friend Zoloft.
Hopefully I will soon remember the feeling that life is full of joy and not just a trial to be muddled through as best I can. Hopefully I will rediscover an enjoyment of writing, of cooking, of quiet afternoons. Hopefully I will rediscover what it is like to look forward to... well, anything. And then, hopefully, I will truly be back... and maybe I'll even find joy in telling you about it.
Wish me luck.
6 comments:
Good luck! And hugs!
I'm proud of you. You deserve to feel every bit of joy that is in your life and the wonder of tomorrow. I think the hardest part is acknowledging that you need the help and asking for it. You've already conquered those two. You'll be loving life before Christmas.
Best of luck. That first action of taking action to get help is always the hardest part. Good for you for doing that. :-)
I would say, as her husband and father of her three (BOY!) children, quite afternoons... well... they don't happen. But she's super great in face of all this madness!
Good for you! The thing about post partum blues is the way they sneak up on you. I didn't notice I wasn't myself until all of a sudden my daughter was 6 months old and I realized I wasn't getting out much any more :)
It's really true - the sun WILL come out tomorrow. Having lived a lifetime of both foggy and sunny days, I've found the sun inevitably breaks through and we can see all the beauty and love and happiness again. In fact, sometimes the foggy times help us better appreciate the sunny times when they return. So find a book you enjoy and a snack you love and hug a husband who understands the fog while you wait for the sun to return. And never forget that you are a most remarkable woman, with so many talents, a proven record of successfully raising three incredible little boys, and a lot of people who love you totally.
You're awesome!
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