We have been going quite often of late to a local Unitarian Universalist congregation. More on the entirety of the experience later, but for today I want to focus on something I learned one of our first weeks there. A buddhist monk spoke about some of his journeys and experiences, and led a guided meditation with the following simple mantra:
"I am well. I am happy. I am peaceful."
There is truth in this for me. When my grief and my anxiety over what I have been through lately threatens to overwhelm me, I grab onto this mantra. I let it pour into me and fill my soul, and I embrace the truth of it. No matter what is happening around me, no matter that so many things in life are beyond my control, in that moment I can recognize the truth of that simple mantra.
It's not that I am free from the grief at the loss of the pregnancy. It has been over a month now, but it still feels like it just happened -- as fresh as the sting of a slap on the cheek. But I am walking on a tightrope, a narrow bridge that holds me above the chasm, and I refuse to look down. You don't get over something like this, but you do get through it. The only way out is through.
I spend a lot of time feeling anxious. Mostly I am anxious over financial matters - it's the number one worry of my life, because I know how quickly one horrible twist of fate can ruin a family and leave them destitute. We've been close to that before, when I was pregnant with Jack and Trip got laid off, and I never want to be there again. But when the anxiety threatens to be too much, I realize that even if we lost every dime we would find a way to provide the basic needs for our family. We would find a way through, because that is what we do.
When a grief, a fear, an anger, or a hurt begins to seem too big to face, I think of this mantra and force my mind and heart to open to the truth of it.
I am well. I am happy. I am peaceful.
And, wouldn't you know it, despite all the things swirling around outside the tiny bubble of this truth, the fragile and incandescent edges remain intact and I am safe, inside, where these things remain true.
3 comments:
One of my favorite books is The Art of Happiness by the Dali Lama. This book helped me get out of the depression and anxiety that had controlled my life for years. I am not saying it erased it, I will always battle mental illness, but he taught me to change the way I think, the way I interpret life and that has been a blessing and great help to me.
My other favorite book that changed my life was Happiness Now by Robert Holden. I read these back in 2009 and these two books changed my life. Now I'm rereading this one because I have forgotten so much and the depression and anxiety is threatening to overtake my life again and I really hope that I can stop it this time.
Speaking of good books, I think I forgot to tell you that I had a couple of books sent to you for your birthday--with everything else that was going on, it kinda wasn't that important at the time. Did you get them? If you did, and you were wondering, 'Where did these books come from?' They're from me.
Happy Birthday.
You are amazing.
LOVE this mantra.
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