I consider myself educated; I read constantly, try to stay up on current world events, and I'm a bit of a spelling nazi. My grammar is probably not what it once was, because I have forgotten a lot of the more esoteric rules and most of the rest has changed so much I probably couldn't tell you a predicate for a participle. (Random Alliteration Drive-By!) The fact of the matter, though, is that I officially dropped out of college twice before finally getting that piece of paper with my name on it in fancy script, and even then I kept thinking "yeah, but it's not a REAL degree, right?"
So here I am, 34 years old, and once again in school and pursuing the elusive Bachelor's Degree. Except now I have 4 kids, a house to maintain, very little patience, and a brain that refuses to cooperate with my directions most days. Also, I still have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up, except that it will likely involve healthcare administration (my area of study) and I would like it to somehow involve working to improve the state of Mental Health Care in this country because, sweet chili peppers, do we need it.
I would love to someday pursue a Master's Degree as well, but in the last few years I have learned not to plan too far ahead. Life has thrown too many curve balls, and I keep the horizon a little closer these days. Like waiting for the next 3 months to see a geneticist for Jack, or looking for a new psychiatrist so I can get meds sorted out once I am done breastfeeding Little Lady. Like keeping an eye on the housing market back east and hoping that our house there gains enough value to be worth more than the mortgage before the kids go off to college. Like hoping we can find a house here and figure out a way to buy it so that we aren't consigned to be renters forever after.
There are days - like today, as I worked on a college paper and ignored the sink full of dirty dishes - when I start to take stock of everything on my plate and I can't help but think that a grand, metaphysical mistake of some sort was made. These are challenges for someone better equipped to handle life than I. These are challenges for someone who can remember to pack the school snacks, who stay on top of the laundry, who is always on time for preschool pick-up and who always knows the perfect words to talk their special needs child down from an oncoming tantrum. On those days, I think that I Have No Business being back in school, as well as training to race and participating in Listen To Your Mother, when I can't even take care of everything else perfectly.
But when that happens, I get hung up on that one word.
Perfect.
Because perfect is a lie. Perfect is a story that we tell ourselves when we look at the cover of Real Simple magazine and think that everyone else's house looks like that all the time and we are the only ones whose kids take their pants off when they come in the door and toss them on the back of the couch before dumping half a bag of Pirate's Booty on the coffee table for a snack and leaving the crumbs for the dog. Perfect says that nobody else ever breaks out the blue box macaroni once in a while and cuts up hot dogs into it and calls it dinner. Perfect says that you are too out of shape to be in the gym embarrassing yourself on the treadmill - that gyms are for people who already look like athletes and models. Perfect whispers in your ear that it's pointless to go back to school at 34 because by the time you are done you will be too old to pick back up on a career, or to be of any value in the working world anyway.
Perfect is an ugly word.
So I guess I am learning more than how to write a college paper in the proper (New. Again.) APA format, or how to finish discussion question responses while juggling a baby with one hand and opening a juice box for a four-year-old with the other. I am learning that being educated means more than finishing a degree (or two or three) by 25. I am learning that, while it is important to live in the moment and keep my eyes on the immediate goals, there is nothing wrong with dreaming of a future yet to come and working for it - walking the path even if I'm not yet certain where it leads.
“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." ― Earl Nightingale
It's equally important not to get discouraged simply because you are not where you want to be right now. Celebrate the baby steps - the associate degree, the basket of laundry that got folded and put away (even if there are still 4 more waiting). It's all adding up to where you will eventually be. To where I will eventually be, too. Where we are right now is exactly where we are supposed to be.
For today, where I am is finished with my paper and ready to enjoy a good husband-made thai curry along with this face:
Which is pretty a pretty spectacular place to be, actually.
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