Weekend Exposure 36

?: One year ago...

My answer can be found here.

Weekend Exposure 35

Yeah, I missed a week.  Ah well! Onward and upward....

?: Who (what/when/where/why) are you missing?
My answer can be found here.

Good Things Growing

I can tell that Spring is finally (nearly?) here.  There are signs of it all around.  

There are roses from Big Daddy.  These are very special roses, also known as Apology Roses.  Because my husband realizes he married a crazy person who immediately assumes, if she hasn't heard from him by 7pm, that he has been in a horrific industrial accident and is right this minute bleeding out from a wound that she would totally know how to apply a tourniquet to but how can she when she doesn't know where to find him ZOMGWTFBBQ?!  So.. yeah.  Apology Roses.  They smell sweeter than the regular kind, I swear.

Several days ago I planted seeds in some paper cups to get the seedlings started indoors because, sweet jumping Joe Jonas on a Pogo Stick, the danger of frost has STILL not passed.  Jack has been terribly upset by the fact that nothing has grown yet. (It's been 5 whole minutes, though, Mom! Why aren't the seeds growing us food yet?!)

And then, today, we spotted this little bugger.  I'm gonna go ahead and assume that that's spinach, since that's what's written on the side of the cup.  I've never seen spinach seedlings before, so I'm not really sure if that's what they're supposed to look like.  But look! How brave he is! Grow tiny spinach, GROW! Make us food, and bring me one step closer to winning Granola Earth Mother Of The Year In My Own Mind!  Because I've heard that's basically the recipe: cloth diapering + grow your own food = Green Parenting WIN! (Don't pop my happy little bubble by dispelling the delusion.  I like the bubble. It's warm and sparkly in here.)

Planting these food plants, in addition to the strawberry, blueberry and raspberry plants that I have planted in the yard, is another step in the Year Without Fear.  I've always wanted a food garden, but always been afraid I'd go to all that effort only to end up with no food to show for it.  I may very well end up with nary a bean for my efforts, but then again I might end up baking blueberry muffins with my own berries.  You never know until you try.

These are snake plants, birthed of some other snake plants, that are originally from a mother plant that was cared for by Big Daddy's Gramma Tina for I don't know how long.  The big plant we had - a cutting from Gramma Tina's plant - lived in Big Daddy old apartment in downtown Washington, D.C., where it was fed a steady diet of stale beer and cigarette smoke for many, many moons.  That plant finally started to lose its long battle with sickness and, despite my less-than-stellar track record at keeping green things alive, I took some cuttings from it and rooted them in water.  2 years later our original plant was finally giving up the ghost, but those babies were still going strong in the water in my kitchen window sill.  They're like the Britney Spears of houseplants: every time you think they're going to make it, they start to croak... and just when you count them out, they're BACK, Baby!  (Suddenly I'm seeing a parity between Britney Spears and Zombies that I had heretofore failed to detect...) 

Anyway, they are finally safely ensconced in some lush potting soil... which is to say that you can probably take safe odds they'll be hunched over limply in about a week.

Happy Spring, Everybody!  Go grow something.

Oh, wait.. you want to know about this?  *pointing at this here blog scenery*

What, THIS old thing?  Ah well. It IS spring, after all - time to make all things new again.  It was about time for a redesign, and this free template (courtesy FinalSense) was just too good to pass up.  A few tweaks to the design and... tah-dah!   It will take some getting used to, but I'm embracing it.  I hope you will, too, internets.

Open-Mindedness

Via Andrew Sullivan... This is maybe the most awesomest video ever.  Welcome to my brain.

Favorite Things, Tempting Fate, Embracing Love

Love and gifts from faraway loved ones.

(Especially ones who remember I have a weakness for pretty necklaces)

Definitely some of my favorite things.  

As to tempting fate, it's of course immediately after my year of Living On Purpose - "A year without fear" - begins that Milo has a double ear infection (with a perforated ear drum on one side, naturally), Tobin declares he does not want to go to school ever again, thankyouverymuchbuhbye, and Jack falls off the climbing wall at school and bashes his head on a metal ladder.  

But everyone is okay, and to scornful fate I say "pfffthhhbbbbbbt."  No one ever said it would be easy.  But life is something to be embraced.

This week, in spite of their minor complaints and my minor whining, I am embracing my children as tight as I can and silently hurting for the parents of Maddie.  Their sweet, beautiful little girl was born too soon and had to fight with all her might to live.  They lost her this week, and I can only imagine the shambles their world is in right now.  I can't let myself think about what it would be like to lose a child, most especially one for whom they had to fight so hard for to begin with. My heart is aching for them.  Follow the link to send them some support, or go here to find out what you can do to help.

And go hug your loved ones.

My Favorite Things.

One of my favorite Bloggers, Bossy, has a recurring feature called "Bossy's Favorite Things". She inspires me in more ways than one, but this is one of those ways.  I love the idea of sharing favorites, because it's an incomparable glimpse into what makes a person tick.

So from time to time I'll be sharing some of my favorite things with lucky you.  

Let's begin, shall we?

Coffee. In my Bad Ass (literally) coffee mug from my Father-in-law. 

Yo Crunch. Because it's yogurt (healthy!)

with little bits of Butterfinger (so it feels naughty!)

It's the breakfast of champions, people.

Awesome Things About Turning Thirty.

1) I finally feel like a grown-up.  Well, not entirely... but at least I don't feel like an overgrown teenager any more.  But, lest I despair, I did get carded when buying Big Daddy a bottle of single-barrel Jack yesterday.  I made sure to tell the check-out girl "Thank You!"

2) The Year Without Fear starts TO-DAY.  I'm celebrating by making a huge pot of Oatmeal and having breakfast with my family.  Not that that's something I'm afraid to do. Well, not totally afraid, anyway. (Have you ever SEEN small children eat oatmeal? It's enough to turn the hair white. Let's just hope we keep it off the ceiling.)

3) Big Daddy swept me away last night for a romantic dinner for two at the new local restaurant that constructs its entire menu around locally sourced ingredients.  They change the menu up every few weeks and have an incredible chef who I am now fantasizing about kidnapping and forcing to be my personal Food Goddess for the rest of eternity.  Calamari with bleu cheese dipping sauce (I normally HATE bleu cheese, but I wanted to bathe in this.) followed by marinated hanger steak (medium-rare, of course) with caramelized onions, three-cheese polenta, and braised greens.  We shared a bottle of the most amazing Cabernet from Chile over dinner, and then I was treated to the Best. Creme Brulee. Ever.  If I could have? I totally  would have shrunk down to an inch high just so I could roll naked in it. It was THAT. GOOD. (And you're welcome for the visual.  It's my little birthday gift to you. heh.)

4) Did I mention that today marks the beginning of "A Year Without Fear"?  Because today we're taking the boys to see Monsters vs. Aliens (all 3 kids. To a movie.  I am slaying dragons over here, people!) And also my embrace of healthier eating.  I figure at 30 I'm entitled to set rewards for myself for losing 3-babies-worth of weight, too, so after 10 pounds my friend Sarah and I get to make a visit to the Shrubber.  After 30 pounds I'm getting my new tattoo.  After 50 pounds I'm gutting my wardrobe and starting over. My new wardrobe will contain ONLY pieces of clothing that I love, because life is too short to surrender to the frump.

So share my birthday joy with me, internets.  And don't forget to ride along with me and maybe dive into fearlessness this year, too.

Weekend Exposure 33

?: This Week's Celebration...

My answer can be found here.

What Have I Been Doing?

There is a list of things that have kept me away from the internets recently.  

Ready for story time, boys and girls? Good. Then settle in and get comfy, because this could take a while.

1) Cake.  Holy Hanna Montana, CAKE.  What started with a single friend asking to hire me to do her daughter's birthday cake has sprung up into a much bigger venture than I would ever have imagined.  It rules, it really does. It's also exhausting and involves hours at a time bent over the kitchen counter with a piping bag in my hand.  That's not nearly as dirty as it sounds.

2) Soccer.  Did I mention that I'm a full-blooded soccer mom now?  Yeah, when I first realized it I actually felt myself die, just a little, on the inside.  But then I was faced with this:

and, really, how could that possibly make a person feel anything but glee?  Wookit my wittle MAN-man, all dressed up in his uniform!  GAH! The cuteness! IT BURNS! (And entirely justifies the excessive use of capital letters and exclamation points right there.)

3) Sushi!  We've started rolling our own, and now it's addicting.  Sushi is the one food that everyone in the house can agree on -- even Tobin, aka "He who has been known to refuse bananas, bread, and basically every other food or food-like product".  So I've been perfecting my craft (which is to say I have been eating lots of sushi recently because, um, research?)

4) Garden.  Okay, so I haven't actually started a garden yet, but I have had every intention of doing so.  I bought seeds and I picked out a spot in the yard with perfect sun. I even looked up how to build raised bed boxes for the perfect backyard vegetable patch.  By next year I might even get some veggies planted.  For now, though, its a lovely little kitchen garden in my mind.

5) Lists!  Lists gets an exclamation mark because I am incredibly good at making lists.  If they gave out trophies for list-making I would have a mantle full of them. (If I had a mantle.)  I am basically Queen Of Listing.  (As in writing lists, not the art of drunkenly walking at an angle. Though I have done that once or twice, but I'm not very good at it.)  When it comes to making lists, however, I totally "make them my companion".  Bonus points if you watch enough news network television to get the reference. (Also, Hi! Pardon the ADD, it's entirely genetic and totally not my fault.)

So, Lists. I have been making a lot of them.  Most notable is the list I am compiling for Things I Shall Do This Year as part of my Year Without Fear.  I'm contemplating a trapeze lesson this summer.  Not even my idea!  But I it fell across my path and I might just have to do it because it seems to fit right in with the whole "grab life by the cojones" spirit of the project.  Did I mention I'm terrified of heights? And falling?  This should be fun.

Also on "The" List for this year are things like "get dirty playing with the kids" and "make a Baked Alaska".   Yeah, I'm hoping the ideas will get better as the year comes along.

Do you have any great ideas for things I could reasonably do this year that would be awesome and fun and not incredibly expensive (and also not incredibly dangerous because - hi! - 3 little boys expect me to be alive to tuck them in at night)?  Leave suggestions in the comments below!  (If it's something like "Dye your hair purple" you'll have to come up with a very good cause I could support by doing so.  This is about doing Good Things, people.)

So there's the sordid, somewhat partial tale of what I've been doing.  I'll maybe get around to telling you more later, but for the moment there is a cake waiting for fondant details to be constructed.

So allow me to leave you with this:

I'm telling you... the cutness! IT BURNS!

Weekend Exposure 32

?: What are you tired of?

My answer can be found here.

(Better late than never!)

File Under "Parenting Lessons Learned"

"Where is your library book?" I asked impatiently.  If we didn't walk out the door in the next 2 minutes we would definitely miss the school bus.  

"I don't know! Ask Dad! He knows!"

"Dad is on his way to work already, and why would he have any idea where your book is?"

"He had it in his hand this morning. NO! Last night! He had it last night!"

"Get downstairs and get your shoes. I'll call dad."

...

"HURRY!"

And that is how I watched, in slow-motion, as my 5-year-old went tumbling down the stairs, ass-over-tea-kettle.  I flew down the stairs, calculated the likelihood that anything had been broken in the fall and - deeming it safe - scooped him up in my arms and carried him to the sofa.

I surveyed the fat lip and the stream of plump teardrops running over his rosy cheeks as he sobbed into my shirt.

"I'm so sorry, baby. Are you okay? That was scary, wasn't it? Does anything hurt?"

He continued to sniffle into the fabric of my pajamas while I stroked his hair.  Finally, with a deep sigh, he asked in a tiny, trembling voice.. "Mama? Are my teeth loose?"

I carefully checked each one, then reassured him that, no, his teeth were fine. Oh, and that little bit of blood? No, that was just from his lip where his tooth had caught it as his face hit the floor. (*shudder*)  His teeth were fine.

This brought on a fresh wave of sobs, which brought me fresh panic as I rechecked his body for some injury I had missed.  Was there a torn rotator? Maybe a cracked rib I had jostled as I hugged him?

"What is it, buddy?  Does something hurt? What's the matter??"

A hiccup.  Then, as he lifted his big, wet, brown, doe-eyes to mine, through trembling lips he whimpered...

"I really want a loose tooth!"

...

So, yeah. He's fine. The library book was summarily located and he and his brother were each deposited at their respective schools.

Me, on the other hand?  I think I need a vacation.

A Year Without Fear.

Dear Friends, Family, and Peoples of the Internets... Stay at Aum Mom is about to be forever changed. (Both the site and myself.)  And this is going to be big.  

Ready? * Deep Breath * Here goes...

On April 5 I will be 30 years old.  

In the last decade I have been through many transformations.  I have gone through the painful process of fleshing out who I am, what I believe, and where I want to be.  I have spent the last several years (and many dollars in therapy) identifying and acknowledging that I am, in many ways, controlled by my fears.  I inherited an oft-crippling anxiety from my mother, and a compulsive perfectionism from my father.  That's not a judgment on them, but rather an objective observation.

I have never given myself permission to fail.  If failure seemed a likely possibility, I have simply refused to try.  When I have tried, I have been dogged by the constant anxiety that I might make a mistake.  When I have made mistakes or failed at anything I have engaged in the most brutal mental self-flagellation imaginable.

Yes, on April 5 I will be 30 years old.  

For one entire year I am going to wake up every day and look at my life from a new perspective.  I am going to say "yes" to some things I would have said no to before, and I will say "no" to some things I would have agreed to in the past.

I am going to embrace new challenges, and I am not going to let myself quit out of fear of failure.  

I hereby declare this year my Year Without Fear.  In ways big and small, I am going to change my life.  I am going to change my self.  I am going to make an action out of my motto - "Live Life On Purpose".

So what does this all mean? (You and Big Daddy are asking the same question, believe me.)

To begin with, it doesn't mean anything too drastic.  I'm going to start with small things.  I'm going to maybe sometimes wear lipstick.  Did you know I don't really wear lipstick? I wear lip gloss in sheer shades, or lip balm.  Why? I suppose because I have always equated lipstick (especially bright lipstick) with confidence.  It always strikes me as a "look at me" sort of thing to do.  As if a nose ring and occasionally technicolor hair don't make the same statement.  See? I know that it's a silly thing.  It's a small thing.  But for me, it's a big thing.  It's something I have not allowed myself to do.  So I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to stop screening my phone calls, stop fearing the phone in general. I'm going to start wearing high heels again -- something I have stopped doing almost entirely since having babies. 

The idea is to start small, but to face every day with the attitude that I will not allow fear or anxiety to overrule reason in making any decision, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.

I'm also giving myself permission to screw this up from time to time.  Because I am human (rumors to the contrary have been greatly exaggerated) and because another of my great, irrational fears comes from the knee-jerk response of blaming myself for everything that goes wrong.  

So this year I'm going to be more forgiving of myself.  I'm going to work harder, be braver, and laugh louder.

To top off my adventure, next year -- just before my 31st Birthday -- I will participate in St. Baldrick's Day, 2010.  I'm going to attend an official event and shave my head to raise funds to help cure childhood cancers.  I've always wanted to wear cute hats, but always been too self-conscious to go for it.  It looks like I'm going to have my chance.  (When the time comes a few months down the road for me to start collecting sponsors, I will post the link.  Prepare to click and donate, peoples.  I'll post plenty of photos for you to see the fruits of your labor after the deed is done.)

They say it takes 30 days to establish a habit.  I'm thinking that 365 days will make this one stick.

I'm hoping you'll come along with me for the journey.

Weekend Exposure 31

?: ______________________

My answer can be found here.

Dude.

Yes, I said "Dude".  Let it go, I do that sometimes.  I can't help it; it's the healthy dose of California in my soul.  If you understood the Tao of Mitchell Goosen, you would get it.  Also, did you know Jack Black and Seth Green were also in that movie? Way before they were famous. Weird.

Rambling today, sorry.  It's just that the sun is shining and the air is clear and it smells really good.  Today would probably be a great day to get out in the front yard and start clearing brush for the spring.  But I'm thinking the alignment of the stars could be against it, since I just tried to pull some raisins out of the cupboard and found the cabinet shelf was unhinged.  And then when I tried to fix it, some lonely, misbegotten package of Fun Dip spilled off the shelf and fell all over me.  That stuff is messy.  I fixed the shelf though. Oh, and I do realize my grammar today is even worse than usual.  *shrug*  It's Wednesday.

But all in all I have spent this week in a flurry of anxiety and apprehension.  No, it's a good thing! Really!  See, I somehow stumbled into baking cakes as a hobby.  You know - making them ever cooler and more complicated for the boys' birthdays.  I love doing it; it's like art and sculpture and .. uh... cake! all in one.  So when a friend asked to hire me to do a cake for her daughter I was all "sure, why not?" And then it turned out really awesome and my husband and my friend were all "You should so do this as a business" and I was all "meh. I'm no good at business..." but then that one cake order turned into another order, and another one.. and maybe another.  And BAM! just like that, I'm in business.  

So now in addition to the etsy shop (which is doing better off line than on) I'm booking orders for unique and awesome cakes.  And the best part? Now all those hours of "Ace of Cakes" that I watch on the Food Network can totally be rationalized as research.  heh.

Spending Time Staring...

...at the cuteness.

He can put his feet in his mouth now.  And I am swooning over this. Because I can.

Like A Prairie Dog. Or Maybe Whack-A-Mole?

If you've been following the weekend exposure photos, you probably have a pretty good idea of how I've been feeling lately - even though I have been far and away from actually putting any of it into words.  So let me attempt to do that for you now.

Big Daddy T has a new job.  That's Good Thing one.  He's got a great job, he finally got a great management position (something he's been wanting for a long time now) and I can't tell you what a relief it is.  

Good Thing Two is that Tobin is officially potty-trained and, as of this morning, is attending preschool two mornings a week.  

Good Thing Three is that I am sitting here with my coffee, the baby is asleep, and I have a few moments of absolute solitude for the first time in a very long time.  I should be using this time to do something productive, and I intend to going forward, but for today I thought I should at least plug in for a few minutes.  You know, in case anyone thinks maybe I died or was abducted by aliens.  Or possibly that I drowned in the world's largest latte (which, hey, let's face it: Not a bad way to go!)

I've been doing my best lately to follow my mantra and Live Life On Purpose.  That has involved a lot less computer time (despite what my husband might think) and a lot more time doing things like switching to cloth diapers for Milo (gDiapers, I love you so much I might put you in my will!) and attempting to shake my self-ascribed title of "World's Worst Homemaker EVER."  This is a two-step process: Step One, stop calling myself that. Step Two, stop actually being that.  

Does this even make any sense? Probably no.  But I've been brain-bereft lately.  I'm learning to accept my limitations and stop worrying about making everyone else happy.  It's not an easy thing to do, but I find that crafting helps.  Did I mention I'm making tutu's now?  Yeah. I really need to get photos done and list a few more things on the Etsy site.  Things like superhero capes! And tutus! (I know I said tutus twice. They are Just. That. Awesome.)

So now that I've rambled on and on for quite some time, I'll cut to the chase for anyone still following along at home.  I'd like to say I will be posting more frequently (not to mention coherently) and perhaps with fewer parenthetical asides.  I'd LIKE to say that, but the truth is I will probably continue to post somewhat sporadically for the foreseeable future.  Life just keeps getting busier and if I think too much about it I stop actually living it; blogging with regularity requires a lot of the "thinking about it".  I'm turning over a new leaf of sorts, though it's hard to explain exactly when I'm still on the first cuppa the day.  

I've lost 10 pounds, I'm working on getting to bed by 10:30 and up by 6:30, and I have acquired a jogging stroller so I can start getting my body back.  There's a lot to say about ALL of this, but I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to say any of it right now.  See how this happens? Too much to say, not enough words. 

So I'm on a sort of hiatus this year.  I'm not gone, I'll be back now and again, but I think I need a reprieve.

Then again, I could change my mind tomorrow.  I'm funny that way.

Weekend Exposure 28

?: What fear have you recently faced?

My answer can be found here.

Weekend Exposure 27

?: What are you following

My answer can be found here.

Weekend Exposure 26

?: Where is your heart?

My answer can be found here.

Tired.

A neighbor I have not seen in a few weeks saw me at the bus stop this morning.  She asked how the baby is doing, then told me "Wow! You look really tired!"

Okay, so that's really not a great thing to say to a frazzled mom.  

I was a little affronted, I'll admit.  The thing is, she's right.  I DO look tired.  I AM tired.

But this afternoon I'm feeling a little less so.  Because Big Daddy had a good interview this morning, and regardless of whether this solves our problem of unemployment or not it was nice to have something positive happen.  I didn't realize how clenched I've been lately.  Medication can be a wonderful thing when you really need it, and - in addition to lessening the inexplicable state of depression -  I have literally felt the Zoloft soothing my anxiety. Until the medication began to relieve it, I didn't realize I was even feeling anxiety.  Since the layoff I have been coping almost miraculously well... for me.  However, after that spot of good news today I could honestly feel my shoulders relax as though a weight had been lifted from them.

I haven't been sleeping well.  I fall asleep well enough once I try, but then I wake up constantly during the night with a feeling of sharp anxiety.  It doesn't help that the kids still wake up and climb into bed with us more often than not, or that Milo has started waking in the night for a 2am feeding.  That said, I think my "tired" has as much to do with stress as it does with lack of sleep.  

I thought there was a point in here somewhere when I started writing.  Now that I'm here, it doesn't feel like that really panned out, does it?  Ah, well.  I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm still here.  I have not abandoned this project, but I have not been in a place to articulate much lately.  I'm coping fairly well, and I'm enjoying lots of snuggles and giggles and kisses with the boys.  My life at the moment is pretty good, even if it probably includes too much chocolate and too little sex.  I'll be back to form eventually; until then, forgive the sporadic posting and general lack of enthusiasm, won't you?