20 Things I Would Love To Say, But Have Not

Have you seen this meme? I think it's therapeutic.  Also, it nicely replaces the "stream-of-consciousness" post I was composing in my head that didn't make any sense, anyway.  

Basically, you list 20 things you would love to say to various people in your life, without attaching names or context.  It's rather freeing, you know.  

I will tell you that each of these is directed to a different person.  In a way, it's like my own, individual PostSecret -  But instead of the author being a mystery, it's just the recipient that remains unknown.  I will neither confirm nor deny, should anyone ask me if a particular quote is directed to them.  That said, for anyone familiar with the day-to-day intimacies of my life, at least 3 of them should be fairly obvious. (Such a tease am I.)

And with that, away we go...

1.  It's not you, it's me. I have no idea what to do about that, but I'm trying my best.  

2. I see how you are struggling, and I wish I knew you well enough to wrap you in a bear hug and cry it out together.  I'm right there with you, but I have to hope we're both going to make it to the other side just fine.

3. Thank you for trusting me with your secrets.  I keep them close to my heart, right next to you.

4.  Your declarations of love don't match up with your actions.  Your priorities are clearly evident, and we are not one of them.  I don't mind for myself; I'm used to it. It's them I am heartbroken for.

5.  In case you didn't get the message the first time around: you are not now, nor will you ever be, welcome in our lives.  Even if you could be forgiven for what you have done, which is impossible, there's no room in our life or around my children for anyone who could do what you have done. I hope you get hit by a bus.  (a double-decker would be peachy.)

6. I still struggle to come to terms with the fact that I never felt that you valued my friendship.  I've never had anyone be openly ashamed to be my friend (before or since), and for years I struggled to repair my own image of myself as Worth Anything.

7. It is not more awful or frightening for you than it was when it was happening to us.  We are doing our best to be supportive, even though we felt abandoned by you in the same situation.

8. I'm sorry for what happened back then.  I don't know if you even remember it, but I do.  It's part of the larger story of what was done to me, and I'm only beginning to figure that out.  I hope you don't blame me, or that you've forgiven me. 

9. I know what you are hoping we will do. Please accept that we never will, and nothing you can do or say is going to change that. Accept that this is okay, and we can move forward.

10. I do think you're sorta crazy, but it doesn't mean I don't still value what you have to say. In the places we can find common ground to discuss, I have learned and grown by leaps.

11. I wish I could go back in time and tell you I believed you were making a mistake, that you deserved so much better.  I wanted to, but I kept my mouth firmly closed. It probably would not have changed anything, but at least I wouldn't wonder if I could have done something to prevent what happened and what is happening now.  

12. Your selfish and destructive decisions are ruining THEIR lives, too. Don't you care?

13. I know what you did.  The more I remember, the less I want to know.  You have no idea of the damage you caused, or the ripple effects that continue from it.

14. You have always been a much better friend to me than I deserve.  I hope we live close enough some day to be a regular part of each others' lives again.

15. I really, really miss you.  I know I never told you, but just having you living near made me feel propped up, somehow.  I knew I could depend on you for anything, even though I never really asked.  You defined Family for me, and made me feel like I really had one.

16. I wish you would let me help you as much as you have helped me. When you refuse, it makes me feel like what I have to offer isn't worth accepting.

17.  Either you hate him that much, or my friendship was really worth that little.  Either way, there's just not room in my life for that.  That door has closed, and I don't see a window opening anytime soon.

18. When you suggested I owe you an apology for my depression, I realized you don't really understand what friendship means to ME.  Just because someone ignores your unsolicited advice doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. I just can't stand up to that kind of anger all the time.  So I didn't call you back. 

19. Your resentment of someone else's success is wildly unfair.  Is it impossible for you to just be happy for him?  If you could just be proud of him, you'd both be a lot happier and could maybe have a real relationship.

20. What you said to me made me feel, for the first time in my life, that someone else actually saw me.  You made me feel understood, and I realized maybe I wasn't worthless after all. Thank you for that. It was the beginning of everything great.

And with that, I tag Dr. Allie, Shannon, Kerri, and Jenn.  (Each of whom one of these is directed to, by the way.)(Still not telling.) :)