Weekend Exposure 32

?: What are you tired of?

My answer can be found here.

(Better late than never!)

File Under "Parenting Lessons Learned"

"Where is your library book?" I asked impatiently.  If we didn't walk out the door in the next 2 minutes we would definitely miss the school bus.  

"I don't know! Ask Dad! He knows!"

"Dad is on his way to work already, and why would he have any idea where your book is?"

"He had it in his hand this morning. NO! Last night! He had it last night!"

"Get downstairs and get your shoes. I'll call dad."

...

"HURRY!"

And that is how I watched, in slow-motion, as my 5-year-old went tumbling down the stairs, ass-over-tea-kettle.  I flew down the stairs, calculated the likelihood that anything had been broken in the fall and - deeming it safe - scooped him up in my arms and carried him to the sofa.

I surveyed the fat lip and the stream of plump teardrops running over his rosy cheeks as he sobbed into my shirt.

"I'm so sorry, baby. Are you okay? That was scary, wasn't it? Does anything hurt?"

He continued to sniffle into the fabric of my pajamas while I stroked his hair.  Finally, with a deep sigh, he asked in a tiny, trembling voice.. "Mama? Are my teeth loose?"

I carefully checked each one, then reassured him that, no, his teeth were fine. Oh, and that little bit of blood? No, that was just from his lip where his tooth had caught it as his face hit the floor. (*shudder*)  His teeth were fine.

This brought on a fresh wave of sobs, which brought me fresh panic as I rechecked his body for some injury I had missed.  Was there a torn rotator? Maybe a cracked rib I had jostled as I hugged him?

"What is it, buddy?  Does something hurt? What's the matter??"

A hiccup.  Then, as he lifted his big, wet, brown, doe-eyes to mine, through trembling lips he whimpered...

"I really want a loose tooth!"

...

So, yeah. He's fine. The library book was summarily located and he and his brother were each deposited at their respective schools.

Me, on the other hand?  I think I need a vacation.

A Year Without Fear.

Dear Friends, Family, and Peoples of the Internets... Stay at Aum Mom is about to be forever changed. (Both the site and myself.)  And this is going to be big.  

Ready? * Deep Breath * Here goes...

On April 5 I will be 30 years old.  

In the last decade I have been through many transformations.  I have gone through the painful process of fleshing out who I am, what I believe, and where I want to be.  I have spent the last several years (and many dollars in therapy) identifying and acknowledging that I am, in many ways, controlled by my fears.  I inherited an oft-crippling anxiety from my mother, and a compulsive perfectionism from my father.  That's not a judgment on them, but rather an objective observation.

I have never given myself permission to fail.  If failure seemed a likely possibility, I have simply refused to try.  When I have tried, I have been dogged by the constant anxiety that I might make a mistake.  When I have made mistakes or failed at anything I have engaged in the most brutal mental self-flagellation imaginable.

Yes, on April 5 I will be 30 years old.  

For one entire year I am going to wake up every day and look at my life from a new perspective.  I am going to say "yes" to some things I would have said no to before, and I will say "no" to some things I would have agreed to in the past.

I am going to embrace new challenges, and I am not going to let myself quit out of fear of failure.  

I hereby declare this year my Year Without Fear.  In ways big and small, I am going to change my life.  I am going to change my self.  I am going to make an action out of my motto - "Live Life On Purpose".

So what does this all mean? (You and Big Daddy are asking the same question, believe me.)

To begin with, it doesn't mean anything too drastic.  I'm going to start with small things.  I'm going to maybe sometimes wear lipstick.  Did you know I don't really wear lipstick? I wear lip gloss in sheer shades, or lip balm.  Why? I suppose because I have always equated lipstick (especially bright lipstick) with confidence.  It always strikes me as a "look at me" sort of thing to do.  As if a nose ring and occasionally technicolor hair don't make the same statement.  See? I know that it's a silly thing.  It's a small thing.  But for me, it's a big thing.  It's something I have not allowed myself to do.  So I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to stop screening my phone calls, stop fearing the phone in general. I'm going to start wearing high heels again -- something I have stopped doing almost entirely since having babies. 

The idea is to start small, but to face every day with the attitude that I will not allow fear or anxiety to overrule reason in making any decision, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.

I'm also giving myself permission to screw this up from time to time.  Because I am human (rumors to the contrary have been greatly exaggerated) and because another of my great, irrational fears comes from the knee-jerk response of blaming myself for everything that goes wrong.  

So this year I'm going to be more forgiving of myself.  I'm going to work harder, be braver, and laugh louder.

To top off my adventure, next year -- just before my 31st Birthday -- I will participate in St. Baldrick's Day, 2010.  I'm going to attend an official event and shave my head to raise funds to help cure childhood cancers.  I've always wanted to wear cute hats, but always been too self-conscious to go for it.  It looks like I'm going to have my chance.  (When the time comes a few months down the road for me to start collecting sponsors, I will post the link.  Prepare to click and donate, peoples.  I'll post plenty of photos for you to see the fruits of your labor after the deed is done.)

They say it takes 30 days to establish a habit.  I'm thinking that 365 days will make this one stick.

I'm hoping you'll come along with me for the journey.

Weekend Exposure 31

?: ______________________

My answer can be found here.

Dude.

Yes, I said "Dude".  Let it go, I do that sometimes.  I can't help it; it's the healthy dose of California in my soul.  If you understood the Tao of Mitchell Goosen, you would get it.  Also, did you know Jack Black and Seth Green were also in that movie? Way before they were famous. Weird.

Rambling today, sorry.  It's just that the sun is shining and the air is clear and it smells really good.  Today would probably be a great day to get out in the front yard and start clearing brush for the spring.  But I'm thinking the alignment of the stars could be against it, since I just tried to pull some raisins out of the cupboard and found the cabinet shelf was unhinged.  And then when I tried to fix it, some lonely, misbegotten package of Fun Dip spilled off the shelf and fell all over me.  That stuff is messy.  I fixed the shelf though. Oh, and I do realize my grammar today is even worse than usual.  *shrug*  It's Wednesday.

But all in all I have spent this week in a flurry of anxiety and apprehension.  No, it's a good thing! Really!  See, I somehow stumbled into baking cakes as a hobby.  You know - making them ever cooler and more complicated for the boys' birthdays.  I love doing it; it's like art and sculpture and .. uh... cake! all in one.  So when a friend asked to hire me to do a cake for her daughter I was all "sure, why not?" And then it turned out really awesome and my husband and my friend were all "You should so do this as a business" and I was all "meh. I'm no good at business..." but then that one cake order turned into another order, and another one.. and maybe another.  And BAM! just like that, I'm in business.  

So now in addition to the etsy shop (which is doing better off line than on) I'm booking orders for unique and awesome cakes.  And the best part? Now all those hours of "Ace of Cakes" that I watch on the Food Network can totally be rationalized as research.  heh.

Spending Time Staring...

...at the cuteness.

He can put his feet in his mouth now.  And I am swooning over this. Because I can.

Like A Prairie Dog. Or Maybe Whack-A-Mole?

If you've been following the weekend exposure photos, you probably have a pretty good idea of how I've been feeling lately - even though I have been far and away from actually putting any of it into words.  So let me attempt to do that for you now.

Big Daddy T has a new job.  That's Good Thing one.  He's got a great job, he finally got a great management position (something he's been wanting for a long time now) and I can't tell you what a relief it is.  

Good Thing Two is that Tobin is officially potty-trained and, as of this morning, is attending preschool two mornings a week.  

Good Thing Three is that I am sitting here with my coffee, the baby is asleep, and I have a few moments of absolute solitude for the first time in a very long time.  I should be using this time to do something productive, and I intend to going forward, but for today I thought I should at least plug in for a few minutes.  You know, in case anyone thinks maybe I died or was abducted by aliens.  Or possibly that I drowned in the world's largest latte (which, hey, let's face it: Not a bad way to go!)

I've been doing my best lately to follow my mantra and Live Life On Purpose.  That has involved a lot less computer time (despite what my husband might think) and a lot more time doing things like switching to cloth diapers for Milo (gDiapers, I love you so much I might put you in my will!) and attempting to shake my self-ascribed title of "World's Worst Homemaker EVER."  This is a two-step process: Step One, stop calling myself that. Step Two, stop actually being that.  

Does this even make any sense? Probably no.  But I've been brain-bereft lately.  I'm learning to accept my limitations and stop worrying about making everyone else happy.  It's not an easy thing to do, but I find that crafting helps.  Did I mention I'm making tutu's now?  Yeah. I really need to get photos done and list a few more things on the Etsy site.  Things like superhero capes! And tutus! (I know I said tutus twice. They are Just. That. Awesome.)

So now that I've rambled on and on for quite some time, I'll cut to the chase for anyone still following along at home.  I'd like to say I will be posting more frequently (not to mention coherently) and perhaps with fewer parenthetical asides.  I'd LIKE to say that, but the truth is I will probably continue to post somewhat sporadically for the foreseeable future.  Life just keeps getting busier and if I think too much about it I stop actually living it; blogging with regularity requires a lot of the "thinking about it".  I'm turning over a new leaf of sorts, though it's hard to explain exactly when I'm still on the first cuppa the day.  

I've lost 10 pounds, I'm working on getting to bed by 10:30 and up by 6:30, and I have acquired a jogging stroller so I can start getting my body back.  There's a lot to say about ALL of this, but I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to say any of it right now.  See how this happens? Too much to say, not enough words. 

So I'm on a sort of hiatus this year.  I'm not gone, I'll be back now and again, but I think I need a reprieve.

Then again, I could change my mind tomorrow.  I'm funny that way.

Weekend Exposure 28

?: What fear have you recently faced?

My answer can be found here.

Weekend Exposure 27

?: What are you following

My answer can be found here.

Weekend Exposure 26

?: Where is your heart?

My answer can be found here.

Tired.

A neighbor I have not seen in a few weeks saw me at the bus stop this morning.  She asked how the baby is doing, then told me "Wow! You look really tired!"

Okay, so that's really not a great thing to say to a frazzled mom.  

I was a little affronted, I'll admit.  The thing is, she's right.  I DO look tired.  I AM tired.

But this afternoon I'm feeling a little less so.  Because Big Daddy had a good interview this morning, and regardless of whether this solves our problem of unemployment or not it was nice to have something positive happen.  I didn't realize how clenched I've been lately.  Medication can be a wonderful thing when you really need it, and - in addition to lessening the inexplicable state of depression -  I have literally felt the Zoloft soothing my anxiety. Until the medication began to relieve it, I didn't realize I was even feeling anxiety.  Since the layoff I have been coping almost miraculously well... for me.  However, after that spot of good news today I could honestly feel my shoulders relax as though a weight had been lifted from them.

I haven't been sleeping well.  I fall asleep well enough once I try, but then I wake up constantly during the night with a feeling of sharp anxiety.  It doesn't help that the kids still wake up and climb into bed with us more often than not, or that Milo has started waking in the night for a 2am feeding.  That said, I think my "tired" has as much to do with stress as it does with lack of sleep.  

I thought there was a point in here somewhere when I started writing.  Now that I'm here, it doesn't feel like that really panned out, does it?  Ah, well.  I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm still here.  I have not abandoned this project, but I have not been in a place to articulate much lately.  I'm coping fairly well, and I'm enjoying lots of snuggles and giggles and kisses with the boys.  My life at the moment is pretty good, even if it probably includes too much chocolate and too little sex.  I'll be back to form eventually; until then, forgive the sporadic posting and general lack of enthusiasm, won't you?  

Weekend Exposure 25

?: What are you giving another chance?

My answer can be found here.

Weekend Exposure 24

?: What is your current distraction?

My answer can be found here.

More Than You Needed To Know

Because my brain is appropriately scrambled, allow me to share the jumble of thoughts and events with you.  (Also, please notice that I did back-post Weekend Exposure again.  Because all the cool kids are doing it...)

Let's see.  Where to begin? 

How about "Big Daddy got laid off and then I went to Utah and then, oh, I'm opening an Etsy shop!"

There.  That's the neat summary for anyone who doesn't want to read further. 

Still here?  Good!  Okay.  So, yes, Big Daddy T did, in fact, face another layoff when the company that bought his employer basically got rid of his entire division.  That's the bad news.  The good news is that they are doing everything they can to help him move to a new position within the company while he also pursues every available opportunity.  Friends have come out of the woodwork to help him find a new job, for which we are eternally grateful.  It's awesome to have friends who worry almost as much about our little family as we do.

So, while the job search was on, I had a previously arranged trip to Utah to attend to.  Milo and I boarded a plane, and then another plane, and finally landed in the City of the Great Salt Lake.  When we left DC the temperature was in the low single-digits, so it was actually nice to be someplace in the 30's and 40's.  It was even nicer to be with family, and Milo predictably charmed his way into hearts across the board.  I went to a Sundance party, met the president of the Utah Sundance Commission (she was lovely, by the way) and some other very cool people, and was officially banned from the game SceneIt by my older sister after winning too many times in a row.  (Because I am the Queen of Useless Trivia, which is not as prestigious as it sounds. I'd much rather be the Queen of Bloomingdale's... or "Queen of Everything" or perhaps "Queen of anything other than Useless Trivia". )  

Any-who, Gumbo was made and devoured.  Dancing was done and laughter was had.  My 46-year-old sister got hit on by a 25-year-old from Las Vegas who thought she was 28.  Oh! And then my 3 sisters, my sister-in-law, and I pretended to be the polygamous sister-wives to my brother-in-law in order to avoid the attentions of drunken Utah rednecks at the club we went to.  So there was that.  And yes, it was as ridiculous and awesome as you would imagine. (My sisters? They're hot.)  When you get that group together, I am somehow the least wild of the bunch.  And, yes, I realize that - that right there? - that's a frightening concept.

So as they were discussing their behavior and giggling madly, I happened to casually remind them that I HAVE A BLOG.  And the silence that followed, it was deafening.  Of course, I wouldn't be so heartless as to post the photographic evidence of actual family in the act of Letting Their Hair Down. (Especially family in possession of photos of my youth that could doubtless be used for purposes of blackmail. So far they've resisted the temptation.) It was tempting.... but I forgot about Karma.

Karma was listening, and decided to teach me a lesson for my evil thoughts by disappearing my camera at dinner the last night of my trip.  As went the camera, so went every photo of our adventure.  All my photos of family with the baby? gone.  All the pictures of my sisters and I bonding? gone.  The video of the flamenco guitarist from the Sundance gala? Gone.

You get the idea.

So while that was a sour note to end my adventure, it was quite probably the best visit I have ever had with my family.  I also got to hang out with Dr. Allie and the Amazing Wonder Steve, and went with them to celebrate Dr. Allie's Wicked-Cool Sister's Birthday.  Dr. Allie has one of those families that makes their own fun and has so many in-jokes that you can't help but get swept up in their magic.  Also, they invented "Pass The Baby" which is maybe the best party game ever that doesn't involve nudity.

With many hugs and well-wishes, friends and family and various beloveds said our adieus and Milo and I were sent back towards home. (Leaving out the part wherein I braved 7 hours of fly-time travel, one plane change in Denver, and a fussy baby.  Both ways.)  

Oh, and I might have watched OUR NEW PRESIDENT take the oath of office from the Salt Lake City airport.  Also, I might have shed a few tears of happy shock when the airport crowd burst into spontaneous whooping and applause.  It was a moment I'll remember the rest of my life.

And then? And then I came home and started making baby shoes.  Because I am crazy! And - hello! are you new here? - I am really crazy!  

And now crazy has an Etsy Shop!  There's nothing in it yet; I'd like to have a few things finished so I can put them all up at once instead of one at a time.  But! I will also take requests!

Items that friends and strangers on the internet can purchase will include:

Baby Shoes

Leather-soled Baby shoes for new and practicing walkers

Jester hats

Personalized Initial Super Hero or Heroine capes

Crochet hats of various varieties and colors

Crochet fingerless gloves/arm warmers

And probably other things I have not thought of yet.

Other than the yarn items (which obviously require new materials) all fabric items are made from repurposed fabrics! Because I am eco friendly! And maybe also because I found a really awesome corduroy jacket that was several sizes too small at a thrift store, and decided to make it into a pair of booties because the pattern was so awesome.

So without further ado, I present: Sweet Cheeks Cupcakery.  There will be a few items up by early next week, so stop by and please don't let the fact that my husband is suddenly unemployed guilt you into buying more environmentally friendly, adorable stuff than you need. (Only let it guilt you into buying exactly as much stuff as you need. heh. Shame people, I have none.  What I do have is a mortgage and a husband, 3 kids, one very large dog, 2 cats, and 2 Betta fish who expect to be fed semi-regularly.  So, you know, I'll totally whore myself out work crafty magic for your dollars.  Hey, how about a photo? Here are the shoes I made for my Niece and her Brand Spankin' New Baby Boy:

So thanks for letting me promote myself there, briefly. And don't worry, we're keeping our spirits up.  Every time Jack asks a thoughtful question about President Obama, I smile involuntarily.  Watching the snow plow clear our street as we get our first real snow of the year? Another smile.  Hearing the kids burst into spontaneous rendition of "Party in my tummy" from Yo Gabba Gabba?  .. you guessed it - smile yet again.

We're going to get through this, even if we come out the other side with nothing but a smile and each other.  Cheers!

Weekend Exposure 23

?: When I trust myself...

My answer can be found here.

Weekend Exposure 22

?: What are you holding out for?

My answer can be found here.

A Marvelous Work and A Wonder.

The above title comes from an LDS book of which my mother is rather fond.  I'm not talking about the book, though.  I'm just stealing the title.  I think it applies.  You could also call this post "Look what my amazing boobs did! Why am I not losing more weight?!" but I thought that might be an overshare...

Weekend Exposure

?: What is your intention for the coming week(s)?

My answer can be found here.

WOW. Just... Wow.

Weekend Exposure

So Dr. Allie's good friend, Amanda B., started the Weekend Exposure project.  Allie has been on me to get involved, and I have resisted because ... well, we all know how I am with doing anything on a regular basis.  I am not good with establishing routines.

That said, Dr. Allie assures me that I am allowed to miss whenever I miss, "but at least TRY it, won't you, MeL?" and really, the woman has made it through medical school and still talks to me even though the most educated thing I have done this week is watch several episodes of Oswald, which apparently teaches me about "Interpersonal Relationships" according to Noggin but I'm pretty sure that's a crock so that slacker parents (*cough*like me*cough*) can feel justified when they let their kids watch too much television.

ANywAYs, here I am on Monday - technically making this "Monday Exposure" but I figured that starting a day later than the weekend is a good way to establish (for anyone keeping score) that your expectations for me to be on top of this should not be too high.  heh.

Weeked Exposure 20

?: What inspires laughter in you?

My answer can be found here.