Failure to Communicate.

I have noticed a disturbing trend lately in the relationships that surround us.

First, I need to explain that I am incredible fortunate in my relationship with Big Daddy. We communicate - ad nauseam at times, sure - but we never fail to communicate effectively on any topic. We may have the occasional argument in which I refuse to talk about "What is the matter?" but it never fails to follow that we sit down and discuss "What, exactly, just went wrong here?"

When it comes to my friends and relations, it seems I have one of THOSE faces, the kind that people look at and immediately begin to unload their life story and most intimate problems. I've never minded; I'm a very good listener, and I know when to offer advice and, generally, when to keep my mouth shut and allow the other person to simply release their pressure valve a little.

And so it is that I am befuddled by the people around me. Especially by the married people. It seems that everywhere I turn, I am deluged with stories of marriages wherein the spouses actually speak to other as little as possible. Got a problem with your husband's failure to take out the garbage? As willing as I am to listen to how you feel that this is a serious indicator that he is taking you for granted and completely out of touch with your needs, may I suggest... you know... TELLING your husband that you feel he is out of touch with your needs? Because chances are, if you're going straight from "does not take out trash" to "doesn't understand me at ALL!", there are larger issues in play.

We know couples who have recently dealt with such topics as illness, infidelity, death of a child, loss of employment, and a whole slew of other seriously heavy issues. And yet, if what I am hearing is any indication, there is very little discourse within the marriage on .. you know "What happened here?" and "How are you doing?". Most disturbing to me is the number of women I know who have said, flat out, that they know their marriage is in trouble... but their husbands have flatly refused to even TALK about the possibility of marriage counselling. Like, at least one has said he'd rather just go ahead and split up rather than - you know - go and TALK to someone about their problems.

The most frustrating is the couple we know who are splitting up; he has stated his intention to move out and leave his wife and their children. And yet every conversation seems to be a mix of blame, accusation and resentment... without ever actually stating the actual problem. Just a lot of "It's all your fault I'm not happy" with no explanation as to in which ways, exactly, he is not happy.

Maybe I'm naive; maybe most marriages really ARE a union of two people who are "part of the marriage" without being, I dunno, part of each other. Big Daddy and I are two totally separate, distinct individuals who disagree regularly (and with gusto) but we're also completely open with each other. Totally honest. If one person isn't happy, we talk it out until there is a resolution or a compromise. We talk about our day, and I can name a half-dozen of his coworkers (most of whom I have never met or maybe said "hello" to at the Christmas party) and describe their key personality traits. He knows the names of my Mom friends and remembers to ask how my sister's health is and whether her daughter did well at her violin recital. We have parts of our lives that are separate from each other - that exist outside of the marriage - but we still do our best to give each other a glimpse into that world.

I might be weird, but I am always floored when other women tell me they have no idea what their husband does at work, who his coworkers are, or what is going on at his company right now. Even when we were both working full-time, I was interested in those things. And I like that Big Daddy can vent to me about the office; he still needs to go out with the guys once in a while to commiserate with those who Understand Better Than His Wife, and I am happy that he has that chance, but he would never discount me from that part of his life.

So maybe I am a bit of a Pollyanna when it comes to marriage; maybe I am just incredibly fortunate to be with the person that I am (scratch that, there's no "maybe" about it) but I am beginning to despair of finding more than just a handful of couples who share that with us; who don't divide into "his" and "hers" conversations at every social gathering; who are still each other's true best friend.

Of course, out of all the couples we know, nearly all of them would claim to be each others' best friend... but I keep coming back to this: When your spouse is truly your best friend you can share any truth, no subject is taboo, and no conversation too scary to have. If you have to fear any discussion with your spouse, or some topic (like seeing a counsellor when you know you're in trouble) is absolutely taboo, then you may be married, you may love each other dearly, but there's not trust there.

That may work with friends and relatives - to avoid certain topics for the sake of preserving the relationship - but it doesn't fit any recipe for a Good Marriage that I'd want to be part of.

So, assuming I'm not pouring lemonade on anyone's open wounds here, I'd love to hear other thoughts on this topic.

Ready, steady, GO!