Brain Dump.

Let me state up front that this post is not guaranteed to make any sort of cohesive sense whatsoever. (Not that they usually do, but - you know - this one might be even more disjointed than usual. You have been warned.)

It's hot this morning.  This is East Coast heat, though, so it's really the humidity that grabs you and wraps you in sticky cobwebs.  The cloying damp of the air clings to your skin and gives your face that "dewy" glow that was all the rage with Hollywood not so long ago, before getting pregnant became the newest fashion-of-the-moment.  My clothes - such as they are on a muggy Wednesday morning, consisting entirely of a "Singapore: It's a Fine City" T-shirt and a pair of yellow maternity underwear with a rubber ducky on them - stick to my soft frame and look like claustrophobia.  

I reheated a mug of yesterday's coffee, which isn't so bad when you drown it in as much Creme Brulee-flavored creamer as I tend to.  The meagre caffeine wasn't enough to sufficiently lift the fog before I had to vacuum up an entire package of saltine crackers stomped into the carpet by my 3-year-old.  Why isn't the vacuum picking up?  Oh.  I turned off the agitator bar again.  Fixed.  There, now the room is only as messy as it was before the kids got to it this morning.  That's not so bad, really.  There's too much furniture in here, though.  

Why do my eyes feel so funny? ... Oh, right.  I went on a date with my husband last night.  We hired our first honest-to-god babysitter, a darling girl who leaves for college in a week.  She's going to nursing school. I wonder what that must be like, being young and knowing what you want to do with your life.  Really? You want to be a labor and delivery nurse? That's what I want (wanted?) to do.  Well, before pregnancy and layoffs and working two jobs got in the way.  No, it's okay. I can go back later if I want to.  No, I haven't decided for sure yet.  For now I'm making cakes.  We'll take the baby with us tonight, so it's just the older two.

The baby made it through the previews and about 10 minutes of the movie.  He's always done great at theaters before, but not this time.  We fed him sweet potatoes.  That bought a few minutes. I tried nursing him again, safe in the darkened theater.  He bit me. Hard.  So much for that.  Then he cried, so my husband took him outside.  That was the last I saw of them for the rest of the movie.  So much for a date.  I might have cried a little on the way home.  I might have cried a lot.  I might be PMS'ing, though, so don't read into it.  No, Baby, it's okay. I'm happy - I really am.  I'm just... working through it.  "IT". You know. All of it.  I'm sorry you're stuck with me.  Ok. I'll shush, I promise.  No, I won't say that any more.  

So that's why my eyes feel funny.  Now I remember.  Oh, look. The dog found a jumping beatle.  Every time he paws at it, it starts leaping around in the air.  What IS that thing? It jumps and clicks.  Google? ... Ah! A click beetle.  Cool.  I mean, not cool that it's in my living room, but cool that it can jump like that.  The dog is freaking out.  Here, I'll get rid of it.  I think we'll take the dog to the dog park today.  How did I just find out about the dog park?  Well, we'll take him.  As long as this humidity dissipates soon, anyway.  Is it supposed to storm today or something? ... Oh.  Yeah. Forecast for today: Thunderstorms, 100% chance of precipitation.  So much for that idea.

Thunderstorms out here in the sticks are unlike the ones I have experienced anywhere else.  Even out west, amongst the Rockies and the Wasatch, where the thunder would echo off the mountains and ricochet around your head like a subway tunnel.  Out here it's the wind that scares you.  It howls and moans as it shears off the mountain and dips down over the Shenandoah river. It whips between the houses, peeling off vinyl siding like  candy-bar wrappers, and litters the sidewalk with orphan roof shingles.  And then there's the rain.  Even with our insulated roof the rain can be marbles falling on tin.  At the best of times, though, it's the sound of the shower against the sliding door. Who needs an ambiance fountain when you have rain like that?  Of course, when the thunder does crack too nearby, it's a slamming iron door. Makes you wonder what the gods could be arguing over, and whether they'll make up or just end the world.

I think I'll just mop the floors today, and then run the vacuum again.  The kids sheets need changing, and I swore I'd check out the 30-day-shred on on-demand.  I can't believe I'm still fitting into some size 18's.  What happened to that size 8 figure?  Oh. Yeah. 3 kids in 5 years, that's what.  Sorry, Body.  I don't mean to be so hard on you, especially since I'm the one who keeps feeding you those cupcakes.  

Maybe one of these days I'll really get to open that bakery.  Somehow it seems like it would be easier to resist the charms of cheesecake-filled chocolate cupcakes with lemon chiffon frosting if I could only see other people enjoy them.  I do love the baking.  Or rather, I love when it's done.  The cakes especially; they're like childbirth.  Miserable in the moment, sometimes, but then it's done and look! Look what I made!  Of course, the cakes go off into the world and done is done - the kids not so much.  They're  a work in progress, of course.  How do perfectionists parent? How can I be a perfectionist and still have so much dirty laundry?  

There's no manual for all this, is there.  I'm great with manuals; I am the Ikea master.  Why is there no allen wrench for life?  Insert tab A into slot B, use screw Q and don't over-tighten.  But I don't know anyone who has built my life before; I feel like an ottoman in a room full of arm chairs.  Also, I use entirely too many metaphors.  I know you don't mind; you're understanding like that.

Things I Did Instead Of Going To BlogHer This Year.

Kidlet #1, the indubitable Jack, celebrated his 6th birthday this week.  

There were plastic Groucho glasses and stick-on mustaches (these are "villain costumes" in case you were wondering how, exactly, all this fit into the Batman theme.)  Don't try to argue with a 6-year-old determined to have mustaches at his birthday party. (Then again, why would you want to? I mean, honestly.)

These are the most delicious cupcakes I have ever made.  

They also happen to be the most delicious cupcakes I have ever tasted. They have made me more determined than ever to find a way to open my bakery, even if it takes me 20 years to get there.

I had a cake job this week for a guy's 27th birthday. He is into comics, so it seemed appropriate to do the first appearance of Superman...

So it wasn't all doom and gloom as I missed the fabulous festivities (and apparently some serious bad juju from some overly-schwag-obsessed bloggers. Seriously? Someone ELBOWED her baby. To get schwag. Ruminate on that a moment, won't you?)  Plus, BlogHer '10 has been announced, and it's going to be in NYC.  East Coast, Hollah!  And yes, I will be there.  With cupcakes!

Lady Nerd's Lament

For anyone just joining us, allow me to introduce myself.  Hello, my name is MeL, and I am a nerd.  

I am a nerd who lives in West-By-God-Virginia, in a town with more churches than restaurants.  I love my small town and the people in it, but I have to admit there is something lacking.

This weekend, out in the wilds of Chicago, there is an event happening.  An event I will not be attending this year, even though I swore I was going to attend and even though I went last year and had the time of my life even though I was 74 months pregnant at the time and hi let's continue this sentence on a little longer just for grins.

You see, the Blogher Conference is officially My Happy Place.  It is a place where a girl can admit that she once spent every evening for 2 years playing World of Warcraft and, instead of looking at her askance and attempting to nonchalantly inch away from The Crazy, the other women shake their heads knowingly and clink together their wine glasses.  It's a place where I could totally sport this t-shirt and cause strangers to burst into spontaneous giggles, where the panels are equally passionate whether discussing pop culture, perl scripting, or women's issues.  This is my tribe; these are my people.

So somebody at the People's Party, or the MamaPop Sparklecorn Extravaganza, or any of the other bajillion parties that will all be lacking my attendance this year... spill a few drops of wine for me on the carpet.  It's ceremonial to remember a fallen comrade. (Melodramatic much? Yeah, so what. Besides, plenty of wine is sure to get spilt there anyway, so I'll just pretend it's in my honor.)  (I'm avoiding acknowledgment of the fact that I'm hardly likely to be missed.  This is maybe the one time I wish I wasn't quite so adept at being a wallflower.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sniffle quietly into my coffee.

I'll see you beeshuz next year. 

20 Things I Would Love To Say, But Have Not

Have you seen this meme? I think it's therapeutic.  Also, it nicely replaces the "stream-of-consciousness" post I was composing in my head that didn't make any sense, anyway.  

Basically, you list 20 things you would love to say to various people in your life, without attaching names or context.  It's rather freeing, you know.  

I will tell you that each of these is directed to a different person.  In a way, it's like my own, individual PostSecret -  But instead of the author being a mystery, it's just the recipient that remains unknown.  I will neither confirm nor deny, should anyone ask me if a particular quote is directed to them.  That said, for anyone familiar with the day-to-day intimacies of my life, at least 3 of them should be fairly obvious. (Such a tease am I.)

And with that, away we go...

1.  It's not you, it's me. I have no idea what to do about that, but I'm trying my best.  

2. I see how you are struggling, and I wish I knew you well enough to wrap you in a bear hug and cry it out together.  I'm right there with you, but I have to hope we're both going to make it to the other side just fine.

3. Thank you for trusting me with your secrets.  I keep them close to my heart, right next to you.

4.  Your declarations of love don't match up with your actions.  Your priorities are clearly evident, and we are not one of them.  I don't mind for myself; I'm used to it. It's them I am heartbroken for.

5.  In case you didn't get the message the first time around: you are not now, nor will you ever be, welcome in our lives.  Even if you could be forgiven for what you have done, which is impossible, there's no room in our life or around my children for anyone who could do what you have done. I hope you get hit by a bus.  (a double-decker would be peachy.)

6. I still struggle to come to terms with the fact that I never felt that you valued my friendship.  I've never had anyone be openly ashamed to be my friend (before or since), and for years I struggled to repair my own image of myself as Worth Anything.

7. It is not more awful or frightening for you than it was when it was happening to us.  We are doing our best to be supportive, even though we felt abandoned by you in the same situation.

8. I'm sorry for what happened back then.  I don't know if you even remember it, but I do.  It's part of the larger story of what was done to me, and I'm only beginning to figure that out.  I hope you don't blame me, or that you've forgiven me. 

9. I know what you are hoping we will do. Please accept that we never will, and nothing you can do or say is going to change that. Accept that this is okay, and we can move forward.

10. I do think you're sorta crazy, but it doesn't mean I don't still value what you have to say. In the places we can find common ground to discuss, I have learned and grown by leaps.

11. I wish I could go back in time and tell you I believed you were making a mistake, that you deserved so much better.  I wanted to, but I kept my mouth firmly closed. It probably would not have changed anything, but at least I wouldn't wonder if I could have done something to prevent what happened and what is happening now.  

12. Your selfish and destructive decisions are ruining THEIR lives, too. Don't you care?

13. I know what you did.  The more I remember, the less I want to know.  You have no idea of the damage you caused, or the ripple effects that continue from it.

14. You have always been a much better friend to me than I deserve.  I hope we live close enough some day to be a regular part of each others' lives again.

15. I really, really miss you.  I know I never told you, but just having you living near made me feel propped up, somehow.  I knew I could depend on you for anything, even though I never really asked.  You defined Family for me, and made me feel like I really had one.

16. I wish you would let me help you as much as you have helped me. When you refuse, it makes me feel like what I have to offer isn't worth accepting.

17.  Either you hate him that much, or my friendship was really worth that little.  Either way, there's just not room in my life for that.  That door has closed, and I don't see a window opening anytime soon.

18. When you suggested I owe you an apology for my depression, I realized you don't really understand what friendship means to ME.  Just because someone ignores your unsolicited advice doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. I just can't stand up to that kind of anger all the time.  So I didn't call you back. 

19. Your resentment of someone else's success is wildly unfair.  Is it impossible for you to just be happy for him?  If you could just be proud of him, you'd both be a lot happier and could maybe have a real relationship.

20. What you said to me made me feel, for the first time in my life, that someone else actually saw me.  You made me feel understood, and I realized maybe I wasn't worthless after all. Thank you for that. It was the beginning of everything great.

And with that, I tag Dr. Allie, Shannon, Kerri, and Jenn.  (Each of whom one of these is directed to, by the way.)(Still not telling.) :)

Don't Call It A Vacation.

I have been staring at this monitor for the past few minutes trying to come up with a good opening for this entry.  Sadly, that opening refuses to come, so here we are.  Let's play catch-up - now with more bullets!

* Spent Friday night camping out at the local KOA with my cousins.  The boys had never been camping before (gasp!).  We realized how far we have fallen from former days when we swore we would, like, totally take our kids? Camping? ALL the time.  (We opened the tent box to pack the car.  The tent that we got as a wedding gift.  7 years ago.)  For the most part, though, it was a non-issue.  Except for, you know, the fact that Milo is teething and woke up every hour or so to scream with wild abandon. (Other people at the KOA: We're really sorry about the baby who was screaming at intervals through the night. If it makes you like us better, we'll pretend he isn't ours.)

* Saturday and Sunday were promised to Big Daddy's Mama.  The lady does not disappoint -- Gumbo, low country boil, and homemade guacamole.  We ate ourselves silly, played Yahtzee, watched the fireworks at Fairfax High, and stayed up way too late.

* Monday and Tuesday the boys and I headed up to Rehoboth Beach to meet up with the cuzzes once again.  In all the time I have lived out here (10 years now) I have never gone up to the Deleware beaches.  Can I just say: Wow.  The beach was beautiful, calm, and pretty much perfect. The weather was awesome.  Other than the part where I got a speeding ticket on the way home, which sucked mightily, it was a fantastic adventure.

I have photos from the beach to share. Soon, I promise.  I have no photos from the camping because - hello! remember me? The one with the screaming infant? yeah. No photos were taken at the camping.  Ditto for the actual 4th festivities, but I think we just left the camera in the car.  (See? I'm so tired, I can't even come up with clever excuses anymore.  This is the universe's way of telling me to GO TO SLEEP.)

And now that I just pulled the last berry pie out of the oven -- (Not a euphemism - I really am just baking berry pies. Just because.) -- I can finally head to my comfy bed and prepare to face another day. 

But lest I forget to scream it to the world from the top of someplace very high (bonus points if you know the quote! You probably have boys, too!) I must take the moment to say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIG DADDY!  You survived another year of life, and managed to resist the urge to throw me out a window any of the many times I probably would have deserved it.  I love you. (Too, too much.) and I have no right to be so lucky.

No I am Not Really This Granola

Oh, internets.  It has been a while, hasn't it?  My black thumb and I have been busy.  Busy being sleepy, not keeping up with chores, pretty much killing the container garden, and boring my children with my lack of motherly awesome.  (But! We went to the Cool Pool! The one with the Frog Slide! And there was ice cream! And apparently lots of exclamation points!) 

That trip to the pool, by the way, cost me 2 days of recuperation.  Because while my thyroid appears to be fine, the Chronic Fatigue continues. (Which, by the way, is most likely exactly that.  Apparently I had mono at some indistinct point in the past and it is probably dragging me down like a lead balloon. So yay for that.)

But lest you think it all be doom and gloom around the Casa, allow me to relieve your brain.  There are games afoot, and after adding magnesium and B12 to my vitamin regimen, I am beginning to feel a bit of energy come back.  Enough that I went for a walk/jog last night with Gizmo the WonderDog.  We did 2 miles.  (You're appropriately impressed, aren't you.  You should be!  Please?) Hmm that sounds a bit needy.  Okay, FINE then. Don't be impressed.  But when me and my pasty-legs-of-iron bust into the not-so-skinny-but-still-smaller-than-the-maternity-pants jeans, who will look silly THEN, huh?! I ASK YOU.

*cough*

I'm sorry, where were we?  OH!  So, yeah. After pretty much killing all of my carefully tended food plants (and decidedly killing the peach tree sapling purchased on a whim at Walmart for fifteen bucks. Oh, I killed it dead, y'all) I have discovered the glory of the local CSA.  I am now waiting to hear back from our local farm to see if they allow buy-ins mid-season.  Otherwise we will buy in for next year, and I'll spend the rest of this year attempting to not feed the kids a steady diet of grilled cheese and chicken nuggets.

So there's that.

Pretend I have a clever segue here as we move on to talk Vacation.

Finances being what they are, we knew we would be driving somewhere for vacation this year.  We talked about several possibilities -- Philadelphia and the Please Touch Museum (I'd link to it, but I'm lazy.  Google it.  Also, don't make the mistake we kept making and call it the "Touch This" museum if you are describing it to other people, as it sounds oddly pornographic and will likely garner the same looks of confused horror.)  We looked at the Deleware Beaches, but that was cost prohibitive.  Also, we waited too long and everything was booked. But mostly the cost. (ahem.)

Finally, Big Daddy had a lightning strike of brilliance.  The Family Aum will be heading to CANADIA!  Lock up your mounties - Mama is headed for the border.  Well, not immediately; we're going in August.  The trip will take us through the wilds of Upstate NY, into the (assumably) bustling metropolis of Montreal and, finally, up to the French-Canadian Frenchness of Quebec City.  (Hey, Monsiour Fisher! I'll finally have an excuse to use my High School French! You know, for something besides swearing in front of my kids!)

So the summer is shaping up to be a little bit of crazy (Oh, yeah, I did 3 cakes in 2 weeks! Because I am a masochist!) and a lot of awesome. (Energy returning. Sun Shining.  Bonjour, Canada! and such like.)

And if this post has come off as a rambling stream-of-consciousness bit, you'll have to be forgiving.  I haven't slept in 3 days, courtesy of Milo.  I'd work up the energy to cry, but when I realized he cut his first tooth all was well.  Funny how a little tooth (or a reason to finally get my passport) can change the perspective, isn't it?

Now just pretend there's a witty closing here that wraps this all up into some sort of neat thesis, and we'll call it a day.  

Know what would cheer me up right now?

A free trip to BlogHer courtesy of Ford, that's what.

What with the layoff earlier this year and the month or two without a paycheck, we found we just couldn't scrape the funds for me to go off on my GirlTastic adventure again this year.  

Last year's BlogHer conference was... well, it was just effing brilliant and (beyond the odd drama here or there that had nothing whatever to do with me) it was the most positive experience I have ever had with a group of women.  And a HUGE group of women, at that.

My roommate last year was the incomparable MochaMomma.  How I managed to bamboozle her awesomeness into sharing space with yours truly will remain a mystery.  I also got to get to know her daughter Mallory, who is also spectacular.  It was an embarrassment of riches.

In fact, it was not unlike taking the hottest guy in school to the Junior Prom, only to find yourself alone with "Beaches" and a box of Twinkies come Senior Prom.  And it does feel like Senior Prom this year; I'm over my extreme anxiety of last year, I'm not pregnant this year (so I could enjoy the parties without having to keep a bathroom and a sitting place in the immediate vicinity at all times) and I've been doing this blogging bit for.. uh... like 6 years now.  (HOLY CRAP.)

So in order to get myself extra entries, I'm telling you about this Ford thing.  All you have to do (if you're registered with BlogHer) is read about 3 fuel-efficient Ford vehicles and then leave a comment letting them know which one you would choose to take on a road trip.  How awesome is that?  Extra entries are granted for tweeting about the contest (which I will do momentarily because HI! I IZ FREE STUFF WHORE!) and blogging about it (which... Hi! STILL A WHORE.)

So do me a favor and - whatever you do - DO NOT ENTER THIS CONTEST.  That leaves more chances for me to win, after all... and, really, isn't it all about what's good for me?

This Is Not The Post You Are Expecting.

So there's a lot that I could say here.  I could tell you at length (with funny little anecdotes and wry asides) about the adventures we've had lately.  I could regale you with the story of how I lost my mojo, about how I got more and more tired the past few months until I can barely keep my eyes open during the day, but get a raging case of insomnia at night.  I could tell you how I get winded just tying my shoes, and how getting up in the morning has become something to dread.  I dread it not because I am depressed (I'm not! Life is good!!) but because I know I will wake and rise as exhausted (if not more so) than when I lay down at night.

So I went to the doctor and I got some blood work, and when that comes back I'll be making more appointments with more doctors and - long story longer - it's probably my thyroid but just as likely something else, or maybe I am simply out of my gourd and have a drastic case of The Vapors.  Your guess is as good as mine at this point.  But we're leaning towards thyroid.

And with that, May I present -- The last few weeks: A Photo Essay.

Preschool Class Field Trip to the Zoo.

My little Glam Rocker.

Soccer Super Star

New Haircut.

Kindergarten Graduation

Visit with Grandpa & Grandma

End-of-year Class Party with Teachers.

Growing bigger all the time.

A Funny Thing Happened

Turns out the mag charger isn't as indestructible as you might think.

Turns out that it's not as easy to find a replacement out here in the sticks as it ought to be.

Turns out that weeks later I got used to not having access to the interwebs.  I've been busy doing things like watching my little man graduate kindergarten and making a wedding cake.  And that's just the tip of it.

So I've been away. And now I'm back. And while I'm too tired tonight to put together a coherent retelling of the past few weeks for you, I promise one will be coming soon.  Probably it will mostly be pictures.  I know you won't mind.

Cheers and see you soon.

Am I Yet Living, You Say?

Oh, internets. It has been a wild ride, these last few (blog silence) weeks. And I have all sorts of things to share with you, but - unfortunately for you - my mac charger is still broken and still unreplaced. I KNOW! The horror! (first world problems. I have them.)

So here I am down in husband's basement office to steal a few moments on his computer while the kids are otherwise occupied. Our basement is "partially finished" - which is realtor speak for "has a corner blocked off with what are technically walls and something resembling carpet, but the cats have been using this room as their Special Box whenever hubs doesn't change the litter soon enough and there are at least 3 piles of cat poop in here and I am SO not cleaning that up. Have fun, Babe.)

So ANY-who. Yeah. That's about the size of it around here and - oh! - I cut off all my hair! No, I didn't shave my head early - that's coming in March. No, I just had a wild inclination and I went with it. So now I have a burgundy pixie cut... where "pixie cut" equates to a half teaspoon of surf wax and "LOOK! Hair all done!" Messy-on-purpose suits me as a look the same way it suits me as a lifestyle choice. heh. (take that how you will.)

But I promise to be back in the saddle soon. And I'll tell you all about the exciting world of diaper changing! And Milk Blisters! and CAKEOHMYGOODNESSTHE CAKE. There is a lot of it. And in the mean time, please to be reading here and here and here ... and just meld them together in the blender of your brain, pour into a cup, consume, and you'll basically have a good summary idea of where I have been for the past few weeks. It should last you until I can get a new macbook mag charger. (Hopefully before the next ice age?)

Love and Kisses,
MeL

Growing Up, Not Old: A story in pictures.

First, allow me to introduce my very lovely friend Camilla.

Camilla - Internets. Internets - Camilla.

In addition to being incredibly gorgeous, Camilla is also incredibly tall.  Oh, and incredibly Swedish, too.  I know, right? She must have been an angel in a former life to be so blessed, which I totally believe because she is definitely angelic now.  

Camilla celebrated her 30th birthday just after mine, so I insisted on dragging her out sweeping her away for an evening of Grown Up Lady Drinks and time away from our offspring.  

This was my favorite beverage of the night.

Hello, Burnt Orange Martini.  Delicious AND an excellent source of Vitamin C.

And these are the sassy heels I wore, because I am wearing High Heels Now.

They are mustard yellow suede. No, seriously.  Am I not branching out, people?!

And this is my Sassy Face that I wore to match my sassy heels:

Okay, so that's less sassy and more sweet.  Have it your way, HERE is my sassy face:

I wish I could blame my complexion on the flash, but I really am just. that. white.

So we dined on some nachos and had some drinks and then there was dessert.

We were going to take a picture of it for you, but we eated it first.  

But trust me - it was lovely. And delicious.

Spending a carefree evening in the company of a friend? 

Even more lovely. And delicious.

The evening was a complete success, complete with a walk from the restaurant back to Camilla's house and a designated driver for me.  Camilla's husband, Russ, volunteered for that duty.  Russ is from Maine and says things like "Leave yeh cah pahked at the bah and I'll give you a lift home."  This is made even more awesome by the fact that when, in a few months, Camilla and Russ take their baby daughter and move to Sweden, Russ will presumably need to learn to speak some swedish.  I imagine this will be comparable to the sounds I heard while taking a French class in Texas.  If you don't find either of these situations hilarious, you really just don't get my sense of humor and probably need to watch more Monty Python.

Also, I'm trying not to weep over the fact that Camilla is moving back to Sweden.  Did you know that Sweden pays you to have kids? And that they have awesome programs to support parents who stay home with their kids? I am now weighing the chances I could convince Big Daddy to move to Sweden.  

Any-who, this fantastic evening was a lovely panacea to the wounds on my Mom-Weary heart.  Not that I was weary of motherhood - don't go reading it that way.  It's more that I was suddenly forced to face facts about my children growing up much faster than I am prepared to process.  See, just the evening before I was faced with THIS:

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!

So I'm okay with ME getting older. But that?  That is just... just... I mean, yesterday he looked like THIS:

Hello, Baby who is NOT Milo

But Holy Hannah Montana, do you LOOK like Milo!

And now I am faced with THIS:

And .. just... Wow.  

I might need another martini.

Weekend Exposure 36

?: One year ago...

My answer can be found here.

Weekend Exposure 35

Yeah, I missed a week.  Ah well! Onward and upward....

?: Who (what/when/where/why) are you missing?
My answer can be found here.

Good Things Growing

I can tell that Spring is finally (nearly?) here.  There are signs of it all around.  

There are roses from Big Daddy.  These are very special roses, also known as Apology Roses.  Because my husband realizes he married a crazy person who immediately assumes, if she hasn't heard from him by 7pm, that he has been in a horrific industrial accident and is right this minute bleeding out from a wound that she would totally know how to apply a tourniquet to but how can she when she doesn't know where to find him ZOMGWTFBBQ?!  So.. yeah.  Apology Roses.  They smell sweeter than the regular kind, I swear.

Several days ago I planted seeds in some paper cups to get the seedlings started indoors because, sweet jumping Joe Jonas on a Pogo Stick, the danger of frost has STILL not passed.  Jack has been terribly upset by the fact that nothing has grown yet. (It's been 5 whole minutes, though, Mom! Why aren't the seeds growing us food yet?!)

And then, today, we spotted this little bugger.  I'm gonna go ahead and assume that that's spinach, since that's what's written on the side of the cup.  I've never seen spinach seedlings before, so I'm not really sure if that's what they're supposed to look like.  But look! How brave he is! Grow tiny spinach, GROW! Make us food, and bring me one step closer to winning Granola Earth Mother Of The Year In My Own Mind!  Because I've heard that's basically the recipe: cloth diapering + grow your own food = Green Parenting WIN! (Don't pop my happy little bubble by dispelling the delusion.  I like the bubble. It's warm and sparkly in here.)

Planting these food plants, in addition to the strawberry, blueberry and raspberry plants that I have planted in the yard, is another step in the Year Without Fear.  I've always wanted a food garden, but always been afraid I'd go to all that effort only to end up with no food to show for it.  I may very well end up with nary a bean for my efforts, but then again I might end up baking blueberry muffins with my own berries.  You never know until you try.

These are snake plants, birthed of some other snake plants, that are originally from a mother plant that was cared for by Big Daddy's Gramma Tina for I don't know how long.  The big plant we had - a cutting from Gramma Tina's plant - lived in Big Daddy old apartment in downtown Washington, D.C., where it was fed a steady diet of stale beer and cigarette smoke for many, many moons.  That plant finally started to lose its long battle with sickness and, despite my less-than-stellar track record at keeping green things alive, I took some cuttings from it and rooted them in water.  2 years later our original plant was finally giving up the ghost, but those babies were still going strong in the water in my kitchen window sill.  They're like the Britney Spears of houseplants: every time you think they're going to make it, they start to croak... and just when you count them out, they're BACK, Baby!  (Suddenly I'm seeing a parity between Britney Spears and Zombies that I had heretofore failed to detect...) 

Anyway, they are finally safely ensconced in some lush potting soil... which is to say that you can probably take safe odds they'll be hunched over limply in about a week.

Happy Spring, Everybody!  Go grow something.

Oh, wait.. you want to know about this?  *pointing at this here blog scenery*

What, THIS old thing?  Ah well. It IS spring, after all - time to make all things new again.  It was about time for a redesign, and this free template (courtesy FinalSense) was just too good to pass up.  A few tweaks to the design and... tah-dah!   It will take some getting used to, but I'm embracing it.  I hope you will, too, internets.

Open-Mindedness

Via Andrew Sullivan... This is maybe the most awesomest video ever.  Welcome to my brain.

Favorite Things, Tempting Fate, Embracing Love

Love and gifts from faraway loved ones.

(Especially ones who remember I have a weakness for pretty necklaces)

Definitely some of my favorite things.  

As to tempting fate, it's of course immediately after my year of Living On Purpose - "A year without fear" - begins that Milo has a double ear infection (with a perforated ear drum on one side, naturally), Tobin declares he does not want to go to school ever again, thankyouverymuchbuhbye, and Jack falls off the climbing wall at school and bashes his head on a metal ladder.  

But everyone is okay, and to scornful fate I say "pfffthhhbbbbbbt."  No one ever said it would be easy.  But life is something to be embraced.

This week, in spite of their minor complaints and my minor whining, I am embracing my children as tight as I can and silently hurting for the parents of Maddie.  Their sweet, beautiful little girl was born too soon and had to fight with all her might to live.  They lost her this week, and I can only imagine the shambles their world is in right now.  I can't let myself think about what it would be like to lose a child, most especially one for whom they had to fight so hard for to begin with. My heart is aching for them.  Follow the link to send them some support, or go here to find out what you can do to help.

And go hug your loved ones.

My Favorite Things.

One of my favorite Bloggers, Bossy, has a recurring feature called "Bossy's Favorite Things". She inspires me in more ways than one, but this is one of those ways.  I love the idea of sharing favorites, because it's an incomparable glimpse into what makes a person tick.

So from time to time I'll be sharing some of my favorite things with lucky you.  

Let's begin, shall we?

Coffee. In my Bad Ass (literally) coffee mug from my Father-in-law. 

Yo Crunch. Because it's yogurt (healthy!)

with little bits of Butterfinger (so it feels naughty!)

It's the breakfast of champions, people.

Awesome Things About Turning Thirty.

1) I finally feel like a grown-up.  Well, not entirely... but at least I don't feel like an overgrown teenager any more.  But, lest I despair, I did get carded when buying Big Daddy a bottle of single-barrel Jack yesterday.  I made sure to tell the check-out girl "Thank You!"

2) The Year Without Fear starts TO-DAY.  I'm celebrating by making a huge pot of Oatmeal and having breakfast with my family.  Not that that's something I'm afraid to do. Well, not totally afraid, anyway. (Have you ever SEEN small children eat oatmeal? It's enough to turn the hair white. Let's just hope we keep it off the ceiling.)

3) Big Daddy swept me away last night for a romantic dinner for two at the new local restaurant that constructs its entire menu around locally sourced ingredients.  They change the menu up every few weeks and have an incredible chef who I am now fantasizing about kidnapping and forcing to be my personal Food Goddess for the rest of eternity.  Calamari with bleu cheese dipping sauce (I normally HATE bleu cheese, but I wanted to bathe in this.) followed by marinated hanger steak (medium-rare, of course) with caramelized onions, three-cheese polenta, and braised greens.  We shared a bottle of the most amazing Cabernet from Chile over dinner, and then I was treated to the Best. Creme Brulee. Ever.  If I could have? I totally  would have shrunk down to an inch high just so I could roll naked in it. It was THAT. GOOD. (And you're welcome for the visual.  It's my little birthday gift to you. heh.)

4) Did I mention that today marks the beginning of "A Year Without Fear"?  Because today we're taking the boys to see Monsters vs. Aliens (all 3 kids. To a movie.  I am slaying dragons over here, people!) And also my embrace of healthier eating.  I figure at 30 I'm entitled to set rewards for myself for losing 3-babies-worth of weight, too, so after 10 pounds my friend Sarah and I get to make a visit to the Shrubber.  After 30 pounds I'm getting my new tattoo.  After 50 pounds I'm gutting my wardrobe and starting over. My new wardrobe will contain ONLY pieces of clothing that I love, because life is too short to surrender to the frump.

So share my birthday joy with me, internets.  And don't forget to ride along with me and maybe dive into fearlessness this year, too.

Weekend Exposure 33

?: This Week's Celebration...

My answer can be found here.

What Have I Been Doing?

There is a list of things that have kept me away from the internets recently.  

Ready for story time, boys and girls? Good. Then settle in and get comfy, because this could take a while.

1) Cake.  Holy Hanna Montana, CAKE.  What started with a single friend asking to hire me to do her daughter's birthday cake has sprung up into a much bigger venture than I would ever have imagined.  It rules, it really does. It's also exhausting and involves hours at a time bent over the kitchen counter with a piping bag in my hand.  That's not nearly as dirty as it sounds.

2) Soccer.  Did I mention that I'm a full-blooded soccer mom now?  Yeah, when I first realized it I actually felt myself die, just a little, on the inside.  But then I was faced with this:

and, really, how could that possibly make a person feel anything but glee?  Wookit my wittle MAN-man, all dressed up in his uniform!  GAH! The cuteness! IT BURNS! (And entirely justifies the excessive use of capital letters and exclamation points right there.)

3) Sushi!  We've started rolling our own, and now it's addicting.  Sushi is the one food that everyone in the house can agree on -- even Tobin, aka "He who has been known to refuse bananas, bread, and basically every other food or food-like product".  So I've been perfecting my craft (which is to say I have been eating lots of sushi recently because, um, research?)

4) Garden.  Okay, so I haven't actually started a garden yet, but I have had every intention of doing so.  I bought seeds and I picked out a spot in the yard with perfect sun. I even looked up how to build raised bed boxes for the perfect backyard vegetable patch.  By next year I might even get some veggies planted.  For now, though, its a lovely little kitchen garden in my mind.

5) Lists!  Lists gets an exclamation mark because I am incredibly good at making lists.  If they gave out trophies for list-making I would have a mantle full of them. (If I had a mantle.)  I am basically Queen Of Listing.  (As in writing lists, not the art of drunkenly walking at an angle. Though I have done that once or twice, but I'm not very good at it.)  When it comes to making lists, however, I totally "make them my companion".  Bonus points if you watch enough news network television to get the reference. (Also, Hi! Pardon the ADD, it's entirely genetic and totally not my fault.)

So, Lists. I have been making a lot of them.  Most notable is the list I am compiling for Things I Shall Do This Year as part of my Year Without Fear.  I'm contemplating a trapeze lesson this summer.  Not even my idea!  But I it fell across my path and I might just have to do it because it seems to fit right in with the whole "grab life by the cojones" spirit of the project.  Did I mention I'm terrified of heights? And falling?  This should be fun.

Also on "The" List for this year are things like "get dirty playing with the kids" and "make a Baked Alaska".   Yeah, I'm hoping the ideas will get better as the year comes along.

Do you have any great ideas for things I could reasonably do this year that would be awesome and fun and not incredibly expensive (and also not incredibly dangerous because - hi! - 3 little boys expect me to be alive to tuck them in at night)?  Leave suggestions in the comments below!  (If it's something like "Dye your hair purple" you'll have to come up with a very good cause I could support by doing so.  This is about doing Good Things, people.)

So there's the sordid, somewhat partial tale of what I've been doing.  I'll maybe get around to telling you more later, but for the moment there is a cake waiting for fondant details to be constructed.

So allow me to leave you with this:

I'm telling you... the cutness! IT BURNS!