My Breast Friend

T commented the other day that I've been a bit of a downer on here lately, and could I please perk it up a little, k thanks? So for your entertainment ("Dance, Monkey, DANCE!") I present the story of my public nudity. Sort of.

I've always been timid around the ocean. I'm no wilting flower - if you've ever met me, you can attest that I am built like a brick **** house - but the ocean is mighty and the sheer, unforgiving power of the waves scares the hell out of my inner control freak.

So it was with no small amount of trepidation that I ventured into the crashing surf on the Outer Banks. I inched into the water until the breakers crashed over my back, pushing me forward a few steps each time. Finally, I took a deep breath and threw myself into a big wave. It was exhilerating! I rode it forward, body-surfing into the shore.

I waved ecstatically to T, who was sitting on the beach blanket with the boys and filming me with the new camcorder. He waved me further out, and I went out and rode in on another wave.

After about 15 minutes of this, I heard a faint voice. I rode in on one more wave and, as I landed at the shore, I distinctly heard a voice say "Excuse me!"

I stood up, wiped the salty spray from my eyes, and looked around to see a bikini-clad blond in her 30's standing a few feet away. Just behind her was, I assume, her husband and her 4 or 5 year old son.

"Excuse me! Fix your suit!"

I stared blankly at her. Was she talking to me?

There are a lot of things nobody will ever tell you, before you have kids, about pregnancy and your body before, during, and after. One of those things is that your breasts? They lose serious sensitivity while you are breastfeeding. The makeup of the skin itself actually changes, becoming more elastic and tougher, providing less sensation.

See where this is going yet?

I looked down to find that one breast had popped entirely out of my tasteful one piece suit. Not just a little bit out - we're talking Jane-of-the-Jungle Full Exposure.

Flustered, I said "Oh! Thanks." as I tucked my errant mammary back under cover.

Oh, but the story ends not there, my friends. Not nearly. You see, it wasn't until we got home and plugged the camera into the big screen TV to watch our vacation movies that the full reality set in. You see the boob? It was in full, glorious view for quite some time. We're talking like 10 minutes or so. On a very conservative beach.

Is it wrong that I'm really not all that concerned? Is it wrong that I wanted to just say to that woman "you could have pointed that out to me with something resembling empathy for my possible embarrassment rather than acting as though my wardrobe malfunction could possibly be turning your innocent child into a future pornography addict".

Either way? I can finally say I've gone topless on the beach. Checking that off my life-list, Mr. Leonsis. Next up? Time for my next tattoo.