Breaking Radio Silence

Hello, internets. How have you been?

I'm hanging in there - quite nicely in fact.

A couple of things have happened recently that we should probably discuss.

First up: Jack, my 10 pound wonder-baby, who entered this world with a shriek and made all the other babies in the hospital nursury look like toy dolls, turned 4 years old. I know several "mommybloggers" who write letters to their kids on their birthdays. I do write the letters, but I do it with an ink pen in a journal made of actual paper. Some day, each of my boys will get their own book of those thoughts, written in my own handwriting.

That said, I will mark here that he's like a tiny version of me, only smarter and with better intuition. He is also the most intelligent, funny, and sensitive kid I know.

So. The next bit.

After some discussion, T and I were able to agree that the sting has passed enough to talk about something I was actively not talking about. You might remember vague references to "something that happened" over the past few weeks. There's no easy way to say it, so here it is.

We had a miscarriage.

All things considered, we were very fortunate. It happened early. It happened away from home, and (because it was early) I was able to deal with it without Jack understanding that anything was going on. He was too distracted with all the wonders of our vacation.

So, we're okay. It was tough there for a bit; we were already in pregnancy mode around here - making plans, tossing around names. But we're taking a short break from procreation and just focusing on enjoying this little life we have built for ourselves. Also? We're being very thankful that I didn't go nuts.

A few years ago, this would have devestated me and risked a depressive relapse. Today? I'm sad, but fully accept that sometimes life doesn't go the way you plan, and you have to be thankful for what you have that is going right. In my case, these 2 little boys that make my days so insane and delightful? They are going pretty damn right. Apparently, all that therapy and my cursory foray into Buddhist practices? Actually worth the time and trouble, after all.

It doesn't hurt that Toby has also learned to say "Yeah!" in the affirmative, and now uses it proudly - and with great gusto - at every opportunity.

"Tobin, are you ready to take a bath?"
"YEAH!!"

"Tobin, would you like to have a snack?"
"YEAH!!"

It also doesn't hurt that he usually accompanies this with the international symbol for "GOAL!", arms raised victoriously over his head. It's a good life lesson - to celebrate every small accomplishment as though you just scored the winning shot in the World Cup.

I intend to do some dishes later. I will then follow this up with a very embarrassing end-zone victory dance. Thankfully, only the children and the dog will see this. The children think it's hysterical. The dog thinks I'm insane, but is quickly distracted with a well-time liver snap.

As for my own inner-critic? I just crank up the Mika and drown her out.