The Case of the Mystery Poo

The other night I was up in the nursery changing Toby's diaper. I heard the doorbell ring, and heard Jack shouting "Daddy! Daddy!" I fastened up the velcro tabs, snapped on Toby's jammies, and headed downstairs. This was all of about.. oh.. 20 seconds.

I arrived at the door to find Jack looking curiously out the window, the door still locked, and no T in sight. Looked out the window - no car in the driveway. Curious, indeed.

I opened the front door and looked out. Nobody in sight at all. Dusk was settling, and the neighborhood had settled into the half-light of 6pm on a January day. I shrugged my shoulders, closed the door, and went to get a drink of water. I paused at the sink, the water running unnoticed down the drain.

Something was niggling at the back of my brain. What had I seen? Something out of place... there was something... something on the porch?

I walked back to the door. Opened it. Looked out the storm door and down onto the brick porch.

And there... in the purple light of evening, were 2 white tissues. Strange. But wait.. what's that? Under the tissues? Why.. it's a pile of poo. Not just any poo, mind you, but exceedingly Fresh poo of the Very Large Dog variety.

My mind quickly runs through the list of neighbors... have I unwittingly offended someone? Did the new neighbors next door find the poo in their yard and assume it was from us? But we don't own a dog... and I can't see the people with the Missouri license plates putting poo on the doorstep of someone they just moved in next to. They don't engage in that sort of behavior in Missouri. Neighborhood juveniles engaged in a random act of delinquency? But why target our house?

And so the mystery of the poo. I examined the poo from a safe distance. Pondered it. Took note of its characteristics in my best rendition of a CSI. (The hot Marg Helgenberger kind from TV, not the actual CSI guys who are in way worse shape and don't even get to slap around witnesses.)

The Poo was well-formed, still in its natural extruded form, and fresh enough that - had it been carried from another location and placed on the porch - one would think it would have been somewhat mooshed in the transporting.

And so I come to the conclusion that someone actually allowed their very large dog to poo on my front porch. They placed tissues on it for some unknown reason, then rang the bell and beat a hasty retreat.

My brain begins to throb from the detailed observation of The Poo. I become less concerned with its origins than with where it is headed next. The idea that I might have to actually have any sort of contact with The Poo beyond my piercing visual observation is inconceivable. I feel my pulse beginning to race, and the opening symptoms of a mild panic attack begin to creep up on me...l

Just then, I knight in full plate armor rides up on his steed. The white stallions muscles ripple in a sudden beam of sun which illuminates the sky behind him. He raises his sword high into the sky, denouncing the heinous besmirchment of my maidenly honor. The stallion rears up with a mighty scream and the knight charges forward, tabard streaming behind him like a ribbon in the wind...

That is to say: Just then, T pulled up in his shiny blue car and came up the walkway towards the door. He saw The Poo, heard my Incredibly Brilliant deductions on its origins, grabbed a handfull of paper towels and, in a matter of secoonds, had removed The Poo to an undisclosed location. (also known as the dumpster.)

My Hero.

The Mystery of The Poo remains unsolved. If you or anyone you know has any information on the perpetrator of this Heinous Crime, please call our tip line. A reward of Our Undying Gratitude has been offered for any information leading to the apprehension of this dangerous (and very inconsiderate) fugitive.