I'm creating a new category for OCD. It won't have any medical credibility, but it's the only way I can think of to explain my own little mental-trap.
I create mental checklists obsessively. Laundry. Dishes. Vacuum. Pick up Toys. Make Beds. Feed Kids. Change Diapers.
The caring for the kids stuff takes priority, especially the whole feeding and changing thing. But I've found that no matter what I'm doing, or how heavily I am sweating in the midst of some back-braking chore, I feel like I'm somehow failing in my duties. If I'm bathing the kids, I feel like I should be doing laundry. If I'm doing laundry I feel like I should be entertaining the kids. When I'm entertaining the kids I feel like I should really be vacuuming.
I know that SuperNanny Jo Frost would say I just need to make up a strict schedule and stick to it - that the kids and I both need the benefit and security of a routine. The problem is, when I get into a routine I start to freak out too. PK described it the other day as that feeling where you know that you were not cut out to work on an assembly line -- the not knowing exactly how the day is going to go is the only thing that keeps the repetetive quality of the tasks from driving you insane. (This is the part where I again mention that PK has to get out of my brain because IT'S BEGINNING TO SCARE ME. Seriously - she is the only other person I have ever met who absolutely cannot stand White Noise.)
But back to topic. This morning I am so overwhelmed by all the chores we left undone when we headed out for a weekend at a mountain cabin, I don't know where to begin. I keep starting and stopping, getting halfway through one task before getting sidetracked by another. In the mean time, Toby was napping in 10 minute increments because I hadn't gotten around to putting him down in his crib until now (where he is presently screaming his head off at the indignity).
I never watch Desperate Housewives - I just couldn't get into it, too campy, too snarky or something - but I got the last few minutes of it when I recorded Grey's Anatomy last night, and I suddenly felt an uncomfortable kinship to Bree Van De Kamp. Here is a woman who is a total control freak with a life that is totally out of control. For a show that I consider way too over the top to be relatable, I felt a squirmy sense of recognition at the concept.
I can't help but feel that on some level, my inner control freak has become so overwhelmed by all the variables I am unable to control (and my innate resistance to hyper-scheduling) that I am paralyzed to the point of near-total inability to act.
2 comments:
You mean there's a reason I don't schedule stuff? lol No, I totally understand. If I did the same thing at the same time everyday, I think I'd go nuts. We have a semi-eating and sleeping schedule that we sorta stick to most days, but in between nap and food time, it's up for grabs.
"Schedule." I've heard this word. It sounds vaguely familiar. Like something from my past that I didn't want to deal with. I'll have to look it up.
I should really start to make lists. At the top of my first one will be:
1. Must not feel need to comment like miss sassypants on EVERY entry you read.
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