Adrift Again... But I Digress.

Ah internet. When I started taking this blogging deal a bit more seriously, and posting away with zest and zeal on a regular basis, I had no thought of the future. It was fun, pure and simple. It was a place to vent my spleen, a forum to show photos of these little boys who make every day intense - and intensely joyous.

And so here we are. Time has passed, children have grown and learned to back-sass their mother and point out various parts of their male anatomy when they remove their diapers at random..(Hi Tobin! Mama would like to point out that running nude through the living room is not, in fact, an acceptable way to tell me it's bath time.) I find myself wondering if there is supposed to be some larger purpose to all this.

Last year, at just about this time, I was in a dark and dismal place and finally seeking professional help to get through post-partum depression that paralyzed my life for so many months. I was exploring the blogosphere and finding out that there was a sisterhood out there. All these women, they were living disparate lives and still finding a way to bond and make connections of varying strengths. I was gobsmacked -- I wanted in. I wanted to meet people and find myself a chair at the table of this newfangled coffee klatsch.

Many months, many posts, and many experiences later... I find that I have, indeed, drawn from the experiences and strength of these women.

The untempered, always hilarious honesty of Dooce made me realize there are others who look at the world a lot like I do - but with infinitely more wit.

The unsinkable MochaMomma unwittingly became one of my inspirations, and my internet fairy-godmother.

The classy-sassy CrankMama made me laugh, made me think, and got me to confess to the world that I'm a lot kinkier than you might think.

The intelligent and eloquent AgnosticMom helped me to, at last, find the words to articulate my view of life, the universe, and everything.

And Dr. Allie. She is my lifeline to a past I am finally learning to assess without the rose-colored lenses of denial- and without the icy tang of bitterness. She is the one who has known me the longest and the one who truly saw me long before I saw myself.

There are others... they are there on the blogroll for any who want to find them.

And now? Now I find myself pondering. Last year at this time I was hell-bent and determined to attend the BlogHer conference this year. I wanted to sit with these women. I wanted to bask in their company and discuss motherhood and business and global politics and really great shoes.

But as the time approaches, and as I find myself enmeshed in home improvement projects and the nitty-gritty of raising two incredibly active little boys -- not to mention the two cats, boxer puppy, and one Beta Fish named "Ultra" -- I find that a year has gone by and I have not really found a niche for myself. I'm wondering what I would gain from going to the conference and, more intimidating, what others could possibly gain from me. And then I'm wondering if it would be worth the expense and sacrifice for the hubs and kids for what I would get out of it.

And my shoe collection is shamefully sparse these days.

I find myself stuck at an impasse on this one, wishing my rantings had more relevance to anything beyond these four walls.

Oh, and totally restraining myself from cleaning out the brand spankin' new Kohls (SHOPPING IN THE STICKS! Head for the hills, my friends... hell freezeth over.)