The Cooling Balm of Autumn

Am I the only one who gets unreasonably disappointed when Fall teases us with a hint of crisp weather - only to hide out again the next day and leave me sweltering in 80 degree heat? I need the brisk air, the chilly wind, to clear my head and get me focused on the holidays ahead. The dog days of summer slowly drag on until the heat and the sunshine that were so welcome in May are suddenly oppressive and exhausting.

I'm ready for brisk afternoons at the park, crunching in the golden leaves, ruddy cheeks and bright eyes as the boys and I run and giggle on the lawn. I'm ready for something good to happen. I'm ready for... SOMETHING.


Sunday morning dawned bright and early, and I was up whisking eggs and putting the finishing touches on Toby's brunch. It was a lovely day with lots of friends and family coming and going and generally just hanging out, which is what we like best of all in a party.

And, of course, the cake. I am inordinately proud of that cake - which we last night finally discarded, as just a few remnants clung to the plate and were only tempting me to put more unnecessary sugar down my gullet. Photos were taken, which I swear I'll post tomorrow. Or perhaps this afternoon, if I can get through the rest of the chores for the day.

And then Monday came and went. And, suddenly, today is Tuesday. And Toby is really two. Yesterday was his birthday, and today he woke up just two.

I have this odd sense of loss. When Jack reached this milestone we had just returned from a visit to the family in Utah. I was six months pregnant and decorating the nursery for Toby's arrival. I was bustling, preparing for the baby to arrive and soaking up every available minute of alone time with Jack. We watched Signing Time over and over and he knew so many signs I could hardly keep up with him. I would have been six months pregnant now if we hadn't lost the pregnancy in June.

Now. Now we are just busy. Busy with preschool, busy with home repairs and plans for the distant future. Debating on trips to take that we really can't afford, and beginning to ponder plans for Christmas. Caught in the perpetual limbo which always seems to feel worse at the end of the long seasons - waiting for winter to melt into spring, waiting for summer to break into fall.

My baby is two, and my four-year-old is learning to back-sass me with style. I am both incredibly proud and horrendously dumbstruck. How to handle these developments?? Welcome to parenthood, I suppose...

As my brain continues to bake in this strange heat, and my stomach churns with indecision over thoughts having another baby - now? soon? later? - I can only dream and plan and try to be present. "Present". It's a word that was bandied about quite a lot in my therapy. Maybe it's time for more therapy? I seem to float in the present and live half in the past, half in the future some days. Maybe too many days.

Maybe it's just about damn time for Summer to bid us adieu and let the cooling balm of Autumn soothe my blistered spirit. Carving pumpkins, cooking turkeys. Corn mazes and apple cider. The sweet smell of nature's decay - that reminder that the season ends to make preparations for the eventual spring after the coming winter.

I am ready.