Ask Mel

I am all about searching - searching one's soul, searching for my (frequently) lost car keys, searching for extraterrestrial life.

But here are some searches that have recently led people to my little slice of the interwebs, and my attempt to provide answers to these burning questions.... (Some of them are not actually questions, but in order to make this whole "Dear Abby" thing work, just follow me down this garden path...)

1. all about topless moms doing chores around the house

I am often topless around the house. This is generally because I am a total failure at laundry, and I am scrounging for some item of clothing to wear that mayhaps be free of oatmeal stains, dried kid boogers, or smears of paint. I occasionally do chores around the house. I make it a point never to combine the two. Especially when the chores involve power tools, because drills and nipples should never, ever mix.

2. reasons to stay sane

There are several good reasons TO stay sane. I hear the coffee in the rubber room is awful. Also, a really good season of House and my new favorite show, Journeyman. (Which will probably get canned in the next few weeks, only because I love it so.) There is joy to be found in the daily minutiae, even when that is precisely the thing that threatens the sanity. As for WAYS to stay sane? I find that periodic infusions of sushi work wonders on that front.

3. the dog wait also soothe my own memory of waiting

I don't know what this means, but I find it oddly poetic. Then again, the only soothing thing I have found about having a dog so far is an excuse to exit uncomfortable social situations... "Sorry! Gotta get home and let the dog out, don't ya know..."

4. hercules virus

According to Wikipedia (and my seventh-grade Latin teacher) Hercules is the Roman name for the mythical Greek hero Heracles, son of Zeus and the mortal Alcmena. He was made to perform twelve great tasks to cleanse himself after he went temporarily insane, killing his wife and children and the entire village. He then went mad with rage and slaughtered cows.

I suggest sending the family for an extended vacation, immediately. Also? I'll take a side of beef for the freezer, should you find yourself in the vicinity of any cows.

5. homemade electro stimulator

On second thought, I'm not touching this one.

6. had a baby 2 months ago and i feel dizzy and lightheaded

Strap in, honey, because it's been 4 years and I still feel that way. I hear it improves slightly when they leave for college.

I finally finished sorting through months of uploaded photos and filing them in my freakish and nonsensical system.

The following photo demands to be shared.

Dizzy and lightheaded, indeed.
Welcome to Motherhood.