So I know I'm sometimes a little mentally slow... like REALLY, HORRIBLY, haven't had a full night's sleep in at least a year, been living on coffee and gummy bears kinda slow... but how did it just now dawn on me that I live within mere hours of both Amy of Amalah and Tracey of Sweetney. And why do I have to realize this now, when they are both far far away at (*sob*) BlogHer, and totally out of range of my charming internet stalking?? How can I lure them to coffee with me if they are on the other side of the continent?!
AND WHY AM I USING ALL THESE PUNCTUATION MARKS?!?!?
*sigh*
I am arriving so late to this "Kickass Women Bloggers" party, I feel like the new kid at school all over again. I refer, of course, to the ethereal "party" in an existential sense, not the actual (*sob*) BlogHer party, which I won't be arriving at this year at all... but next year? Next year I will be there if I have to sell my husband in a time-share to lonely widows to get the cash. (He cooks! And I'll throw in a discount if you can teach him the proper way to fold socks!)
It's like being a kid all over again. We moved every 2 years or so until I was in high school, so one might think this would have made me more adept at quickly getting to know people and making friends. One would, of course, be totally effing wrong.
Somehow or other, I ended up with serious trust issues and a raging case of self-conciousness. Because see this flaw -- right here? I know you see it. Don't you see it?
Okay, so you probably don't see it - but the thought that you might see it could totally consume me for the course of an entire conversation. I sometimes have to smack myself upside the head (mentally, that is) to bring myself back to the present and realize that - that other person? The one I'm talking to? They might actually be interested in what I'm saying. They might not, in fact, have noticed the mole on my jaw or the fact that my eyebrows are not perfectly tweezed today. And if they did? They might even be thinking "Thank God, I'm not the only one". Because I didn't even stop to look at their jawline, or eyebrows, or the pimple on the end of their nose. And if I had, I would not have judged them half as harshly as I imagine they are judging me. In fact, I would probably have thought... "Thank God, I'm not the only one."
Which brings me back to my original line of thought, and helps me formulate a plan.
Step 1: Get Amy and Tracey to check out my rantings here so they can scope me out at a safe distance. How to begin this? Begin commenting on their blogs (both of which I read daily, but due to my general "new people" skiddishness I have not really been an avid commenter on. I'm a little bit "comment constipated", what can I say?
Step 2: Begin operation "Must Be Irresistable and make them wonder where I have been all their lives" wherein I woo these incredibly funny, intelligent, verbose women so they will totally love me and let me mock them as lovingly and mercilessly as I mock all of my friends.
Step 3: Get both of them to meet me for coffee. Or margaritas. Or to fold socks, because really? I don't see how I could possibly fail to have a great time with women like these. As long as I don't have a sudden anxiety attack and develop the dreaded diarrhea of the mouth, wherein I tell them my entire life story and why I don't own any red underwear within the first 5 minutes. (It's an old defense mechanism I developed as a tween to establish the playing field as quickly as possible. Needless to say, I spent a lot of those years holed up with my dog-eared copies of Agatha Christie.)
Step 4: Declare victory and start working on getting Kelly of MochaMomma to come visit so she can lick me, followed immediately by a raid of the Discount Shoe Warehouse. Becuase I suspect, for some reason, that she could stay there as long as I can and would forgive me for trying on 54356 pairs of shoes and buying only 2.
Step 5: Join a support group to learn to stop using so many quotation marks and italics. Yeah, I noticed. But with all the people who won't be blogging until they get back from BlogHer06, we'll just pretend I borrowed their extras. (Just go with me on this.)
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